Relationship Advice: We Can All Do So Much Better

Imagine you walk into a jewelry store and see a beautiful ring. Maybe it’s a gorgeously delicate band that would look just perfect with your other rings. Or maybe it’s a stunning ring with a perfect, cushion-cut diamond perched neatly on top. Or maybe it’s a brilliant, two toned, white/yellow gold watch with diamond accents that would make you the envy of all of your peers. The gold is so brilliant and shiny that you can’t help but drop a few hundred (or thousand) dollars to add it to your collection.

Then imagine that after a few weeks you notice something odd. The gold isn’t as shiny anymore. As a matter of fact, what used to be gold is now turning a brass color. Even the diamond doesn’t sparkle like it used to. And now you have a green-shaped ring imprinted onto your finger/wrist! Who would you point the finger at?

Questions that needs answers…

Now some would say that you should look squarely at the jewelry store. After all, how dare they sell you something that couldn’t even last you a whole year! And yes, they’re definitely partially to blame. But what if I told you that you also should question yourself? Why?

Simple. Because before making any kind of significant investment, you always have to do your due diligence. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, myself included, we sometimes let love, lust, infatuation or wanting to be in a relationship either a) prevent us from asking hard questions or b) accept anything just to say we have somebody.

Don’t believe the hype

Marriage is great. Awesome even! Having a lifelong companion who is dedicated to being with you, growing with you, loving you, and looking out for you no matter what is amazing! It’s nice to have a partner you can count on. One who will laugh with you, support you, and be there for you through thick and thin. But can I give you a peace of advice? It’s better for you to be happy and single with a few close friends than to be married and lonely, miserable, unappreciated, undervalued, abused, or taken for granted.

It's better for you to be happy and single with a few close friends than to be married and lonely, miserable, unappreciated, undervalued, abused, or taken for granted. Share on X

For a long time, my priorities with regards to relationships were all messed up. But God took me on a journey that gradually opened my eyes to the truth. You can’t just want to be in a relationship. You have to want to be in a good relationship.

And in order to get to that point, you have to do a better job of vetting the people you come in contact with. I don’t care how “shiny” they appear. Ask hard questions! Ask trusted family members and friends for their advice on your relationship. They’re not blinded by love (or lust) and can more easily set you straight if you are missing or ignoring good potential partners.

Assumptions are not your friend…

Don’t assume they’ll be a “good” partner just because they’re a “Christian,” a pastor, a deacon, on the praise and worship team, a bishop, a prophet, an evangelist, a choir member, or go to church.

Don’t just assume they’re “real gold” because they caught your eye. After all, gold-filled jewelry looks an awful lot like the real deal too…

Don’t marry them just because the two of you have been together for years and it’s the “logical next step.”

Don’t marry them because you’re already living together so you might as well “make it official” and get your/their parents off your back.

Don’t just marry them because you’ve learned you’re about to have a baby.

And most importantly, don’t make the mistake of getting into a relationship just so that you can say that you were “chosen.” Many married people, but especially women, would be the first to tell you that they now wish they had not been “chosen” and were still single.

Don't make the mistake of getting into a relationship just so that you can say that you were "chosen." Many married women would be the first to tell you that they now wish they had not been "chosen" and were still single. Share on X

Yes, I know it’s hard to be single in a world that was seemingly “made for two.” If you’re lonely and craving companionship, don’t try to brush off those feelings.

Sit with them. Talk honestly to God about your big emotions. He can handle it…all of it.

Journal, pray, talk to a friend, cry. Rinse and repeat if you need to. If you’re tempted to hit up your ex just so you can be married, remember, it is infinitely, significantly, supremely harder to be married to the wrong person than it is to be single. The loneliness of being stuck in the wrong relationship will emotionally, spiritually, and in some cases financially suffocate you.

Plus, when you’re religious/anti-divorce, it’s worse because then you feel “stuck” or can end up staying in an abusive/toxic relationship due to shame of what others will think or fear of feeling like a failure.

Persistent Actions > Actions > Words

Yes, you want someone who treats you well, doesn’t speak harshly, meets your needs (spiritual, physical, emotional, etc.), is faithful, loyal, and committed, and all that jazz. But don’t fall for words, and definitely don’t fall for actions that don’t remain consistent over time.

When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap, actions are priceless, but actions that don’t persist over time are ultimately empty.

When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap, actions are priceless, but actions that don't persist over time are ultimately empty. Share on X

Do the work

Special note for the ladies specifically: Can I give you some advice? Stop trying to be chosen. I’ll say it again. Stop trying to be chosen.

Stop trying to prove that you are “fill-in-the-blank”:

lovable
worthy
valuable
good enough
attractive
adequate

If you don’t already know that you’re all of those things, then guess what? You have some work to do; and it’s better to get that work done before you get into a relationship.

Stop trying to prove that you are lovable, worthy, valuable, good enough, attractive, or adequate. If you don't already know that you're all of those things, then guess what? You have some work to do! Share on X

Go to therapy, speak to your pastor, a trusted mentor, or an older, godly church member/relative and do the self-work/inner child work.

And remember, you are already chosen.

You’re chosen by a God who said that He knew you BEFORE you were in your mother’s womb. He knit you together piece by piece. He declared that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. It’s time for you to go out there and act like you know that to be true and stop accepting breadcrumbs from every tom, dick, and harry that tries to hit on you.

Your Challenge

If you haven’t already, start to work on your self worth/self value…not by reading a bunch of self-help books or saying 50 positive affirmations about yourself. Instead, head to the Word to see what God has to say about you, your worth, and your value in His eyes. Therapy can also help with this.
If you’re currently in a relationship (or even a situationship) reflect on whether this person is who they say they are. Are they a diamond in the rough? Or are they moissanite masquerading like the real thing?
Don’t get married just because you’re already living together or have a baby on the way. Marriage requires shared beliefs and values, alignment in vision and purpose, and so much more. Do the work to figure out if the two of you would make a good marriage/family partnership. If the answer is ‘no,’ focus on healthy co-parenting.
For my ladies especially, stop focusing on being chosen. Instead, ask yourself “Is this someone I would choose if I had multiple other fabulous options”?

Final note:

Let’s say you read this entire blog and got a pit in the bottom of your stomach now that you recognize you made a mistake. You missed or outright ignored red flags. You settled because you were tired of hearing your family members’ voices, or tired of being alone, or tired of being the unmarried one, or didn’t want to hit 40 without being married. You dismissed God’s various warnings to you from family members or friends.

Guess what? Your story is not over. God can redeem every and any situation, even your struggling marriage.

No matter what you say or do, you can’t change your partner; however, the Holy Spirit can. Pray, fast, join a support group or small group at your church, tell a friend about your struggles and lean into your community for support.

God can make marriage to the “wrong person” right. Get on your knees and don’t be discouraged. If God can resurrect the dead, He can resurrect your marriage too. Don’t lose hope! God loves to show up in the last inning!!! I pray that if you read this God is already working on resurrecting and rejuvenating your marriage!