In this series, I’ve been introducing common cognitive distortions that keep you stuck. If this is your first article in this series, start with these first:

• Emotional Reasoning
• Mental Filtering

Now let’s dive into one of the ones that keeps your brilliance in your blind spot and makes it hard for you to accept compliments from others.

What Discounting the Positive Looks Like

Your sister asks you to bake a two-layer cake for your nephew’s birthday. You’re no top chef, but you love him, so you do your best to create one that looks like his favorite superhero: Spider-Man.

When you bring the cake, multiple family members rave about it! Some even say “You should start your own bakery.” But your response?

“Oh this? I’m shocked it even turned out well. I probably just got lucky!”

Every compliment gets minimized, brushed off, or credited to luck, chance, the weather, “the universe,” or anything except you.

If you instinctively shrink a compliment, joke it away, or downplay your skill, you’re discounting the positive.

Discounting the positive means you actively reduce compliments or affirmations you have received by finding ways to remove yourself from it altogether and blaming your positive traits on chance, a fluke, or something outside of yourself. Instead of receiving them, you explain them away.

Why Do You Do This?

A few reasons show up most often:

• You’re not used to compliments. When positive attention finally comes your way, it feels awkward or undeserved.
• Your culture or religion emphasized modesty. You think accepting praise equals arrogance so you push it away.
• You honestly doubt your value. Trauma, neglect, or conditional love taught you that your qualities aren’t worth noticing.

Here’s the thing you need to remember:

• If you’re not used to something, it will feel weird at first.
• Humility/modesty is good — but that isn’t the same as self-erasing.
• Being treated like you had no value does not mean you actually didn’t.

Discounting the positive means you actively reduce compliments or affirmations you have received by finding ways to remove yourself from it altogether and blaming your positive traits on chance, a fluke, or something outside of yourself. Share on X

Awkward ≠ Arrogant

Let’s slow down for a moment and ask a simple question:
Who were the first people to ever compliment you?

Ideally, it should have been parents or caregivers who affirmed your strengths and lifted you up. If your early years were filled with criticism, dismissal, or conditional approval, then compliments in adulthood will feel foreign. Not because you’re prideful — but because you were never taught how to receive praise. This leads you to doubt/question whether it’s even true!

Here’s what you need to remember. Receiving a compliment doesn’t make you boastful. It simply acknowledges effort, growth, or genuine ability.

If your early years were filled with criticism, dismissal, or conditional approval, then compliments in adulthood will feel foreign. Share on X

Think about an artist or craftsman. When they finish a painting or build a handmade table, they’re proud of their work andthey love watching others enjoy it. Their joy doesn’t equal arrogance — it reflects gratitude for their skill and hard work.

You’re allowed to be proud of something you worked hard for.
A compliment is just someone else recognizing the value you bring.

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How They Treated You Doesn’t Determine Your Value

Maybe someone abandoned you, rejected you, ignored you, abused you, neglected you, or constantly criticized you…and now you doubt your worth.

But your value isn’t assigned by how people treated you. It’s inherent — built in — present at birth and untouchable.

Your value is something that you’re born with and can’t be taken away from you. It doesn’t matter if they:

• Abandoned you
• Rejected you
• Abused you
• Neglected you
• Ignored you
• Dismissed you
• Invalidated you

No matter how they treat you, your worth and value stays exactly the same.

I once heard someone describe it in this way. Think of a $100 bill. If I crumple it, stomp on it, toss it aside, and throw it in the garbage, is it then worthless? No! Does it lose its value? No!

You could easily go grab the $100 bill, smooth it out on the edge of table or your thigh, and then go save or spend it however you want.

You might have been bruised by life, but your worth hasn’t decreased.

No matter how they treat you, your worth and value stays exactly the same. You might have been bruised by life, but your worth hasn’t decreased. Share on X

The Fix: Stop Discounting the Positive

Here’s how to break the habit:

1. QUESTION: Stop Playing What My Sis and I Call “Compliment Volleyball.”

When someone compliments you, don’t immediately bounce it back or minimize it.

Just receive it:
“Thank you.”

Sit with the warmth of that moment. Let yourself feel seen and affirmed.

2. REFLECT: Notice the Discomfort

Ask yourself:
“What exactly is making me uncomfortable?”

Is it guilt? Shame? Fear of seeming arrogant/immodest? Imposter syndrome/feeling like a fake?
Challenge the thought behind the feeling.

Say to yourself:

• It’s normal to compliment a job well done.
• Accepting praise doesn’t make me arrogant.
• I bring value to the people around me.
• My worth exists whether I do anything or not.

Stop playing "compliment volleyball." When someone compliments you, don’t immediately bounce it back or minimize it. Share on X

3. CHANGE: Rewrite the Narrative

Stop saying:

• “It was nothing.”
• “I just got lucky.”
• “Anyone could’ve done it.”

Start saying:

• “Thank you, I worked hard on that.”
• “I appreciate you noticing.”

Over time, accepting compliments will feel natural instead of awkward, and the old habit of discounting your value will lose its power.

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If you keep practicing this, you won’t just stop discounting the positive —
you’ll start believing the positive.

Share a time you discounted the positive. Which strategy will help you to stop doing this in the future?