Check out my first, second, third and fourth posts on assertiveness if you haven’t already. Moving on to the final one…

Interaction/Communication Style 4: Assertiveness

I know that there are so many misconceptions out there about what it means to be assertive. But if I had to boil it down to one thing, I think I’d describe it like this. 

The assertive person knows who they are and what they bring to the table; thus, they express their thoughts and feelings solely because they believe they have a right to have them just like everybody else in the room. Tweet this!

A person with an assertive style is someone who is able to express their wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings. They understand that they are not superior or inferior to anybody else. When issues come up—as they inevitably do—the assertive person feels comfortable to speak up for and advocate for themselves and their needs.

Approach to conflict 

A person with an assertive interaction style does not seek conflict but they also don’t avoid conflict when it comes up. Now I know some people tend to think of conflict, arguments, or disagreements as a bad thing. This couldn’t be further from the truth!

Conflict can actually be a green flag in relationships as it suggests that you or your partner are being honest about what bothers you. If there’s no conflict, one or both of you are lying… Tweet this!

An assertive person recognizes that conflict is unavoidable. So the best thing they can do is be honest about what they’re thinking/feeling so they can figure out the best way to resolve the conflict in a way that supports the relationships. Contrary to what some people may believe, avoiding conflict does not support or help relationships—it weakens them. 

For a person with an assertive communication style, their speech is direct, straightforward, and unapologetic. 

Unlike the person with a more passive style, assertive people don’t feel the need to overthink or second guess every little thing they say. 

Similarly, unlike the person with a more aggressive style, assertive people don’t feel the need to use their speech to lord over people or force others to see things their way.

The assertive person understands that they…matter. If you’ve noticed that you struggle to be assertive or speak up for yourself then chances are, somewhere along the way someone made you feel like your voice didn’t matter or wasn’t important. If you buy into the belief that your voice doesn’t matter, then you often will also believe YOU don’t matter. So you carry this same mentality into future interactions with people.

How do I know if I’m dealing with an assertive person?

If you tend to be more passive, you will likely admire/look up to the assertive person. You can’t understand how it can be so easy for them to state their mind without hesitation.

If you tend to be passive-aggressive, you will likely envy the assertive person. You wish you could so easily express your thoughts/feelings to others. 

If you tend to be more aggressive, you will resent the assertive person because it’s hard to dominate or control them. 

The assertive person will generally be perceived as a great friend to you as long as you have good boundaries. But if you don’t have good boundaries, then you may find it off-putting at how often and easily the assertive person will speak up for themselves, disagree with you, and more.

How do I know if I’m Assertive?

Simple, you:

• Advocate for yourself
• Speak up, even when you know others may disagree
• Understand you have a right to your feelings
• Are flexible
• Can express your feelings
• Don’t feel the need to sugarcoat your speech
• Set firm boundaries
• Don’t feel the need to apologize all of the time
• Feel capable, competent and effective at making decisions

In other words, when you’re assertive you get to be…yourself. Unapologetically yourself. Doesn’t that sound freeing?

How can I become assertive?

That depends on your current style:

Tend to be passive?

Speak up.

Tend to be aggressive?

Shut up.

Tend to be passive-aggressive?

Wise up.

And yes, if you want even more info on how to change your current style then you’re going to have to read my last three posts. 🙂

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All of that to say, while becoming assertive may feel like rocket science…it isn’t. All it takes is a willingness to do the work to learn how you developed your own particular style and what steps you need to take to change for the better. While I’ve tried my best to give you a clear roadmap, the reality is these steps take a lot of work. Don’t be afraid to see a therapist to help you unpack and process your baggage so that you can start being assertive today.

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