While in line at my local Walmart, I overheard a guy having the following phone conversation: “Talking about some I, “need to go see a therapist”. I went there and the lady’s gonna ask me how I ‘feel’ about that. What’s that supposed to do for me?!”

I have never been more thankful for COVID mask mandates then that day! I couldn’t help but smirk because I knew that this was the stereotype that most people (maybe even you!) have in mind when thinking about therapists.

Oftentimes in the media, therapists are portrayed as being boring, funny, quirky, mean, stupid, or downright weird! Some of them poke and prod, doze off while you are speaking, really do ask How did that make you feel? or nod along to everything you say.

If you settle for the first therapist you find, then it is very likely you will find yourself sitting across from the exact type of therapist you’ve always seen on TV. But if you put in the work, you can find a good—no, a GREAT therapist!

I know many people who sought a therapist and went with the first one they found online. This has never made sense to me! During my initial 15-minute consultation with a potential client, I always remind them that the purpose of our chat is to determine if I am the best therapist for them. I don’t encourage anybody to automatically assume that the first therapist they speak with will be good or will be the best fit—even if it’s me!

Have you found The One?

In her article How to Find the Right Therapist, Marissa Miller compared finding a good therapist to finding ‘The One.’ I thought this was a brilliant comparison. Think about it. So many people (and you may be one of them!) spend a lot of time searching for “The One.” You expend time, money, and emotional energy all in your effort to ensure that the person you get into a relationship with will be a good person who fits and complements you, your strengths, and your weaknesses. So, why don’t you do the same when searching for a therapist?

It is so, SO important to find a great therapist for several reasons I’ll mention below. Keep this in mind: a great therapist plays multiple roles in your life.

They’ve got your back

They support, cheer you on, and encourage you. They teach, explain, guide, and collaboratively work with you to meet your goals. They advocate for you when you need help. They validate you and your feelings. They provide you with a safe space to talk about the deepest, ugliest, most hurtful secrets or traumas. Finally, they provide you with a safe, shame-free environment where you can be your authentic self. I always remind my clients that I am there for them. They know that if there’s any way I can help with their progress, I will!

They promote collaboration in the process through their cooperation

A good therapist is constantly doing multiple things at once—and by multiple things I do not mean eating, texting, or scrolling social media!

A good therapist doesn’t just listen, agree or nod along to everything you say. They actively participate in the session with you. If my client says something funny, you better believe I’m laughing with them! If they say something negative about themselves, I’m calling them out right away! If they’re thinking in a negative or maladaptive way, I’m pointing it out. A good therapist is engaged in the session. They are not a bump on a log and they’re not just coasting by on auto-pilot.

They help you put the pieces together

A good therapist knows how to use their knowledge of psychological theories and models to fit your specific needs. As a therapist, I understand that the model that works for Client A may not work for Client B—even if they both suffer from the same condition! One-size-fits-all may apply to gloves but it definitely does not apply to people!

A good therapist knows how to (1) connect the dots between the factors that make up your past, (2) identify the ways in which this affects or intersects with your present, and (3) recognize the steps you need to take to make changes today that will positively affect your future. A good therapist knows how to foster hope that your tomorrow can be better than your yesterday. I never want my clients to leave my office thinking that they, or their problems, are hopeless.

They identify patterns—good and bad

A good therapist understands how to recognize patterns and bring them to your conscious awareness. They get in tune with your emotions and call you out when you are being less than honest. They address and call out negative behavior in a way that doesn’t make you feel judged, ashamed. They remind you that your identity as a person is NOT tied up with your “poor behavior.” They challenge and confront you when necessary—all in a nonjudgmental manner.

They genuinely care about you

A good therapist cares about you as a person. I’m going to say this again: a good therapist truly, really, honestly cares about YOU! I don’t mean this in a romantic way (and if you’re getting romantic vibes from your therapist…RUN, don’t walk!). A good therapist cares about you and your well-being so much that they always want the best for you.

I can’t tell you how many times a client has told me that I seemed to care even more than their family did. This can be so therapeutic and healing—to know that you are not just “Client #14” to your therapist. A therapist’s care for you comes through in their words and actions toward you. A great therapist has a good sense of humor. They know how to laugh with you as opposed to at you (excluding good-natured teasing of course).

In Summary

A good therapist does at least 5 overarching things for you: they care about you, help put the pieces together, identify patterns, promote collaboration, and support you. In other words, a good therapist ‘CHIPS’ in to help you be great. Don’t judge my acronym now! 🤣 You try to think of a better one that covers everything a therapist does…

A much needed reminder

Finding a good therapist is hard work! It is an unfortunate fact of life that not everybody joins the helping professions because they sincerely want to help or have an aptitude for this type of work. Shocker, I know! There are some mental health professionals out there that can’t remember your history or what you talked about from week to week. They are simply getting a paycheck.

9:00:01—-Punch in! – 4:59:59 Punch Out!

With no disrespect to all of the great mental health professionals out there doing their thing, we need to remember that not all therapists are created equal.

Today, I challenge you to ask yourself, based on the criteria I mentioned above, ‘Is my therapist great?’ Remember, a therapist may be good and still not be the right one FOR YOU (same concept applies in relationships but that’s a topic for another day…).

If you recognize that your therapist is lacking, bring up your concerns to them. A good therapist can take feedback/criticism without responding in a defensive manner. I regularly tell my clients that it is okay for them to disagree with me, have a different opinion from me, and even express negative emotions toward me (such as anger).

They know that I can handle their disagreement/negative emotions, work through it with them, and continue to work as a team. If on the other hand you don’t believe this conversation will be fruitful, or you have a poor relationship with your therapist, don’t be afraid to find another. For example, you can start by reading up on some phenomenal therapists here (shameless plug alert! 🙂.

Now you may be wondering why is this important? Simple. Because your mental health matters. Finding a good therapist can be the difference between helping you make it from one day to the next versus tackling your goals and achieving your full potential. If you won’t settle in your day-to-day friendships/relationships (which are in many ways technically free), why in the world should you settle for a therapeutic relationship that you actually have to PAY for?!

A quick google search will reveal several websites that you can use to locate a clinician in your area. For my busy readers (or procrastinators!) out there, I will include a few links to help you get started today:

Psychology Today

Find a Psychologist

Find a Therapist

Therapy for Black Women

Therapy for Black Men

Let me know in the comments what a “good therapist” looks like to you. If you have horror stories to share, that’s fine too (but keep it anonymous; this is a shame-free zone after all!). If you enjoyed this blog, please subscribe to my mailing list to keep up to date with my posts.