Tell me if this sounds familiar. You have a specific goal, milestone, or achievement you have in mind for yourself. Let’s say for example you want to:

• Get a job in a specific field. 
• Get married.  
• Have a baby. 
• Purchase a car. 
• Buy your first home. 
• Lose 15 pounds. 
• Make 6 figures.
• Travel the world.

So you make a plan, you interview, you date, you save, you count calories, and don’t eat that last french fry, and on and on you go. In other words, you do whatever you can on your end to make that thing happen… But then it doesn’t materialize. 

How do you feel? Dejected, discouraged, depressed?

Lies We Believe

More than likely, part of what made you depressed is that deep down inside you believed a lie. The lie that says:

• “I would be happy if only X happened.”
• “I would feel worthy if only X happened.”
• “I would feel good enough if only X happened.”
• “I would be free if only X happened.”

Well I want to teach you something that many are unaware of but that keeps you stuck. 

Beware the treadmill

I can’t remember the first time I learned about the hedonic treadmill. Yet, what I do remember was initially being disappointed by the realization, but then hopeful once I recognized what I needed to do.

The hedonic treadmill is a theory that “suggests that our long-term happiness levels are rather stable and will always return to baseline, despite any large surges or dips. While major positive or negative life events may cause temporary fluctuations in happiness, people often adapt to these changes, gradually returning to their original emotional state.“

So I want you to think of your baseline as your body’s default level of happiness. Let’s say, for example, your baseline level of happiness is a 5, which we’ll call “flat or neutral.”

When something positive happens to you (e.g., you finally bought that BMW, you entered the 6-figure club, you got married, you went down 2 dress sizes, etc.), your happiness level may rise, maybe from (5) flat/neutral to (9) very happy or even (10) elated.

But here’s the kicker…that’s not sustainable. Eventually, whether in days, weeks, months or even a year or two, you will eventually go back to your baseline of 5.

The Fix

As a human being, your (and my) tendency is to spend a lifetime achieving, setting goals, and trying to reach milestones. You tell yourself,

• “I just need to get out of debt.”
• “I just need to get divorced.”
• “I just need to fit into my old jeans.”
• “I just need to get my own place.”

You tell yourself, “Once this happens, I can finally be free and happy.” You couldn’t be further from the truth!

The fact of the matter is, happiness is an inside job. If you constantly rely on external factors to make you happy, you will constantly be on an emotional roller coaster where your circumstances dictate how you feel.

It’s a ride that you cannot get off of, that is, until you stop tying your happiness to external factors that may or may not ever come to pass or may/may not be within your control.

The fact of the matter is, happiness is an inside job. If you constantly rely on external factors to make you happy, you will constantly be on an emotional roller coaster where your circumstances dictate how you feel. Share on X

So what’s the true antidote to your happiness woes? The key is to figure out two things:

“How can I be happy now?” “What if anything is standing in my way?”

Ask yourself questions such as,

• Do I have inner child wounds that need to be addressed (e.g., abandonment, rejection, trauma, physical, sexual, or psychological abuse, neglect, etc.)?
• What takeaway messages did I absorb growing up that keep me stuck (e.g., “people always leave,” “nobody will ever love or accept me,” “I’m not good enough,” “I have to prove my worth/value,” “It’s my job to keep people happy”)?
• Rather than focusing on big goals, what small thing can I do today, right this moment, to feel happy?
• Whom do I have in my life that I am currently taking for granted? How can I stop doing that?
• What are the things that I have to be grateful for that I’m overlooking?
• What are the things I need to do consistently that help keep my baseline mood up (e.g., self care, socializing, prayer/quiet time, exercise, changed diet, spending quality time with family/friends, etc.)?

But then don’t just stop there. Make the change:

• Go to therapy (preferably with someone well-versed in trauma). See your pastor, minister, priest, or rabbi for spiritual counseling. Unpack and process the trauma that keeps you stuck in unhelpful thinking/behavioral patterns.
• Reflect on and explore the negative takeaway messages that still govern your life. Do the inner child work so you can stop taking on burdens that were never yours to carry, and put old wounds and narratives about yourself, your worth, or value to rest.
• Don’t wait until the next big thing. If purchasing a bouquet of flowers from the florist near your job or getting a hot dog from that food truck will make you happy, do it.
• Stop focusing on the people who left. Focus on the people who stuck around. Make an effort to connect with them regularly and let them know how much you love them and that they make a difference in your life.
• Ask yourself, what do I need to be grateful for? Things like clothing, a job, a car, a roof over your head, great friends, church family, etc.
• Don’t wait to do it perfectly. Exercise now. Socialize now (even if it’s just once a week or every other week). Avoid processed food. Make a plan to catch up with your kids, friends, and family.

If you can change your baseline/default setting, you will be setting yourself up for success. Why? Because then, when the excitement of the achievement/milestone eventually passes, you will still be in a great mind space.

Don’t believe the lie. Even if X happens, you will eventually find yourself right where you started — alone with yourself. Do yourself a favor and make that a great place to be starting today.

What kinds of things would you add to this list?