How Toxic People Suck You In
If you’ve ever wondered how you fell for a toxic person, then this is the post for you!
Have you ever heard that song “I knew you were trouble when you walked in”? That song definitely does NOT apply when dealing with toxic people.*
When you first meet them, genuinely toxic people can be some of the most sociable, gregarious, charming, complimentary, likable people you will ever meet! And in some cases, they charm the pants off of everyone: your parents, your friends, your boss, your partner… YOU!
While not all toxic people have insight into their behaviors, quite a few of them recognize how others tend to respond to them and accordingly put on a mask when they first meet/interact with you. Remember this, toxic people wear multiple faces.
I can’t tell you how many times a client has said to me “I can’t believe I ever fell for him.” “I can’t believe I thought she was my friend.” My response is usually the same: “I can believe it.” 🙄
Why? Because I understand that unless a person is ignorant or a glutton for punishment they won’t knowingly make friends or get into a relationship with a toxic person.
So if a person wouldn’t knowingly befriend a toxic person, then I have to assume that they were a) deceived by the toxic person, and/or b) missed ALL of the red flags (and there are always red flags with toxic people).
The best comparison I can think of to describe this is the story of the frog and the pot. Imagine if you put a pot of boiling hot water on a stove, and drop a live frog inside. What would it do? The minute it registers the feeling of the boiling water on its skin the frog would immediately jump out of the pot. So in essence, the situation is immediately categorized as “dangerous” and the frog removes itself from the situation right away.
But imagine if you placed a pot of room temperature water on the stove, and then dropped the frog in. What would happen? The frog would probably feel at home in this environment and swim around gladly. What if you turned the stove dial to 1, and then eventually to 2 and then 3? The frog would likely not immediately register the danger as the water would gradually warm up. So he would just keep swimming…
What makes toxic people so dangerous (and the main way that they suck you in) is that, you don’t immediately categorize them as dangerous. Figuratively speaking, they start you off in the cold pot of water before gradually turning up the heat. Thus, you don’t generally recognize the danger you’re in until it’s too late.
To be clear, everyone engages in deceptive behavior from time to time. And in some cases, we use this for good. For example, when you’re dealing with icky tasting medicine, a doctor will often recommend you put it in applesauce to hide the taste of the bitter medicine. But for the toxic person, deceptive—-or even manipulative—-behavior is in their primary arsenal.
Toxic people don’t develop overnight. Generally speaking, a toxic person has to have had some negative experiences during their childhood/upbringing that affected their social-emotional development OR they were raised in a privileged, entitled environment where their every whim was catered to.
When you come from an abusive/impoverished environment, it tends to make you more selfish than others. You figure “If nobody else is looking out for me, I’ll have to do it myself.” In many cases, you may even go out of your way (consciously or subconsciously) to learn what you need to do (e.g., manipulation, gaslighting, lying, etc.) to ensure that your needs are met (even at others’ expense!).
If on the other hand a person was raised in a very entitled and privileged environment, then they were likely raised to believe that they were “special.” Parents, guardians, and even nannies may have spoiled them rotten. Accordingly, they are used to getting any and everything they want as soon as they want it.
Toxic people suck you in because they know exactly what to say in every situation. They pinpoint what you want to hear and are quick to say those magic words. They know exactly what you’re looking for and know exactly how to play the role.
They understand that it’s human nature to love ourselves. We enjoy being around people who boost us up and flatter us. The toxic person will mirror you so you feel seen, heard, and understood. They interact with and reinforce your shadow self (that unconscious part of you that you either keep hidden or deny about yourself). In essence, toxic people are manipulative people who know just how to lure you in right before they turn on you!
So if you want to know how to keep yourself from being sucked into the toxic person vortex, it starts with being able to immediately recognize the signs that let you know who and what you are dealing with.
Comment below and let me know some of the red flags you missed out on. What advice would you give to your younger self to keep yourself from getting sucked in by a toxic person?
*The exception to this being if you’ve had experience with toxic people before.
This is so true!! I learned firsthand. Definitely noticed when it was too late, but I did at least learn from the experience, and this blog is spot on!! Thanks for helping to open our eyes!!! 😳
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt 😂 We have to keep our eyes WIDE open so we don’t fall victim to these types of people. Thanks for your comment!