If you were raised on a steady diet of Disney, then you probably have heard the expression, “And they lived happily ever after…” But since about 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, it’s obvious that “they lived happily ever after” isn’tentirely true—or at least it doesn’t tell the whole story.

To start, let me just say that I love seeing couples get (and stay) in happy relationships. And while I know a reality TV show is definitely NOT the place to look for happy relationships, this blog was inspired by my watching Married at First Sight (MAFS for short)—my guilty pleasure 🫣. 

MAFS is a show where several individuals get matched by “experts” and walk down the aisle—sight unseen—to marry the person they’ve been matched with. 

While I know that statistically these marriages aren’t likely to last, I root for most of the couples anyway. But time and time again I see the same pattern come up. 

• The experts match two people who they believe would be a great match. 
• One—or both—of them sabotages the relationship, whether consciously or subconsciously. 

Now unlike the MAFS producers (who like to draggggg things out 🙄), I won’t keep you in suspense. The number one relationship killer is: an obsession with yourself (& more specifically, all of the things you expect to get from your partner).

On the most recent season of MAFS, the experts matched Shaq and Kirsten. 

***Disclaimer: This post is not about judging any Married at First Sight participants. It takes a lot of courage to go on one of these shows and then watch as people nitpick everything you do and say. Instead, I want you to look at their stories as an opportunity to reflect on your own dating behavior (I know I sure have!) to see if there may be something you need to change.***

Kirsten & Shaquille from Season 16 of Married at First Sight. Photo courtesy of Lifetime.

Each of them came into the marriage with very specific ideas about what they wanted in a spouse as well as what they expected their spouse to provide for them. 

Shaq wanted emotional support & expected Kirsten to travel everywhere with him, open up to him on his timetable, and meet all of his emotional needs. 

In contrast, Kirsten was looking for a man who would present the way she expected him to present (looks, personality, expression of humor, etc.), be like her father, and who would provide what she saw other men provide their wives (a house, car, etc.).

As I watched their interactions, I was blown away by the laundry list of expectations they had for their spouses (whom they had literally just met at the altar!). Everything was about what they expected and what they wanted, and what theytold the experts they were or were not looking for. 

And it wasn’t just the two of them! Several of the other MAFS participants engaged in the same behavior. Each of them viewed their spouse through the lens of either getting or not getting what they asked for from the experts. If they got what they wanted, they were happy and satisfied. But if they didn’t?

As I watched all of the couples’ express their expectations and their disappointment, it was very easy to judge or label them for being too picky, demanding, controlling, selfish, or needy. 

But then it dawned on me. 

You and I do this all the time.

I mean think about it. Chances are you have an idea in your head of what your future partner should look like, sound like, act like. But in the process, what you probably forget is that you are not getting a robot pre-programmed to be the perfect partner to meet all of your needs in the way you want, when you want, how you want. 

Instead, you’re getting something more complicated: a whole human being. One who was raised differently, has their own expectations, and timelines, and has their own idea of what it means to be a good partner.

When too much of a ‘you thing’ becomes a bad thing…

Part of building a good relationship involves learning who your partner is—not deciding from the jump who or what he or she should be like. 

One of the main things that kills your relationship is an excessive focus on your wants, your needs, your way of doing things, your view of what your partner should be like, or even your pleasure—at the expense of your partner’s. Notice I bolded the word “your.” Why? Because oftentimes what’s messing up your relationship is your excessive focus on YOU!

And don’t feel bad. I’m talking to you but I’m also talking to me. I can think of a time I recently did this without meaning to. It was only in retrospect that I was able to see that I sabotaged a great thing (either due to my selfishness, unrealistic expectations, or differing timetables). Has this ever happened to you? When things like this happen, the temptation is to just keep kicking yourself. 

But I have a better suggestion. It’s okay to try to fix it (reach out and if they’re open to it, have a conversation); but if they’re not willing to give it another try, accept it and learn from your mistakes. 

Speaking of which, another mistake you make when entering into a relationship is thinking that, “As long as I’m with the right person, our relationship will be easy.” I hate to burst your bubble but you couldn’t be more wrong. 😶

A relationship is not like an artificial plant. You can’t just leave it in a corner and trust that it will stay, look, and feel the same. Instead, a relationship is…alive; both of you have to pour into the relationship to keep it thriving. 

Part of building a good relationship involves learning who your partner is—not deciding from the jump who or what he or she should be like. Tweet this!

Relationships take work. And part of that work involves cultivating a quality that doesn’t come naturally to most people—selflessness. 

Now don’t get me wrong. Everybody—including you and me—presents with some selfishness. But if you can’t put that to the side to love, care for, understand, look out for, listen to, and compromise with your partner, your relationship is doomed before it starts… 

One last piece of advice:

If you’re looking to get into a relationship because you want your partner to “complete you,” meet all your needs, and transform your life from good to great, you’re probably not ready to get into a relationship.

Sorry, but I gotta give it to you straight 🫣

Make the Shift

We talk about being drunk in love; but when it comes to love and relationships, we would be better served by a sobering dose of reality. In order to truly have a happy and successful relationship, you BOTH have to cultivate selflessness. 

One of the main things you get wrong about relationships is that…it’s not all about you. Heck, it’s not all about your partner either! Once you decide to get into a relationship, the focus shifts from singular pronouns—like “you” and “I”—to a plural pronoun—“we.” 

A relationship is a connection between two people—not a transaction. 

• Stop focusing on splitting everything or every chore 50/50. 
• Stop focusing on ensuring that if you do “tit,” they will do “tat.” 
• Stop providing “quid” solely if they provide “quo.” 
• Stop expecting your partner’s timetable to match yours.
• Stop expecting your partner to meet 100% of your needs 100% of the time. 

Reciprocity should flow naturally. If each of you stops focusing solely on yourself & your own needs, and both look out for the other, it ensures that both your needs will be met. 

***P.S., Now what I am not saying is that you should neglect yourself completely (& neither should your partner). Instead, you have to learn how to look at things not only from your perspective but from the perspective of your partner & how your decisions will affect your relationship.***

How could selfishness (or your expectations for your partner) be wrecking your relationship? Be honest, when you read this post, did you find yourself focusing on your own selfishness, or your partner’s?