Pointing the Finger: Ladies, you can do SO much better

Imagine you walk into a jewelry store and see a beautiful ring. Maybe it’s a gorgeously delicate band that would look just perfect with your other rings. Or maybe it’s a stunning ring with a perfect, cushion-cut diamond perched neatly on top. Everything about the ring just sings to you! The gold is so brilliant and shiny that you can’t help but drop a few hundred dollars to add it to your collection.

Then imagine that after a few weeks you notice something odd. The gold isn’t as shiny anymore. As a matter of fact, what used to be gold is now turning a brass color. Even the “diamond” doesn’t sparkle like it used to. And now you have a green-shaped ring imprinted onto your finger! Who would you point the finger at?

Questions that needs answers…

Now some would say that you should look squarely at the jewelry store. After all, how dare they sell you something that couldn’t even last you a whole year! And yes, they’re definitely partially to blame. But what if I told you that the person you first ought to be questioning is yourself? Why?

Simple. Because before making any kind of significant investment you always have to do your due diligence. Would you agree? If yes, then tell me, why do so many of us drop into relationships, and even marriage without really vetting the person?

Don’t believe the hype

Marriage is great. Awesome even! Having a lifelong companion who is dedicated to being with you, growing with you, loving you, and looking out for you no matter what is amazing! It’s nice to have a partner you can count on. One who will laugh with you, support you, and be there for you through thick and thin. But can I give you a peace of advice? It’s better for you to be happy and single with a few close friends than to be married and lonely, miserable, unappreciated, undervalued, abused, or taken for granted.

It's better for you to be happy and single with a few close friends than to be married and lonely, miserable, unappreciated, undervalued, abused, or taken for granted. Share on X

For a long time, my priorities with regards to relationships were all messed up. But God took me on a journey that gradually opened my eyes to the truth. You can’t just want to be in a relationship. You have to want to be in a good relationship. And in order to get to that point, you have to do a better job of vetting the people you come in contact with. I don’t care how “shiny” they appear. Ask hard questions! Don’t assume they’re a “good guy” because they’re a “Christian,” or a pastor, or go to church. Don’t just assume they’re “real gold” because they caught your eye. After all, gold-filled jewelry looks an awful lot like the real deal too… ‍

Don’t make the mistake of getting into a relationship just so that you can say that you were “chosen.” Many married women would be the first to tell you that they now wish they had not been “chosen.”

Don't make the mistake of getting into a relationship just so that you can say that you were "chosen." Many married women would be the first to tell you that they now wish they had not been "chosen." Share on X

Yes, I know it’s hard to be single in a world that was seemingly “made for two.” But it is infinitely, significantly, supremely harder to be married to the wrong person. And when you’re religious/anti-divorce, it’s worse because then you feel “stuck” with them or can end up staying in an abusive relationship due to shame about what others will think or fear of feeling like a failure.

Yes, you want a man who treats you well, doesn’t speak harshly, provides (not just financially but physically, emotionally, and spiritually), is faithful, loyal, and committed, and all that jazz. But don’t fall for words. And definitely don’t fall for actions that don’t remain consistent over time. When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap, actions are priceless, but actions that don’t persist over time are ultimately empty.

When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap, actions are priceless, but actions that don't persist over time are ultimately empty. Share on X

Do the work

Can I give you some advice? Stop trying to be chosen. I’ll say it again. Stop trying to be chosen.

Stop trying to prove that you are “fill-in-the-blank”:

lovable
worthy
valuable
good enough
attractive
adequate

If you don’t already know that you’re all of those things, then guess what? You have some work to do; and it’s better to get that done before you get into a relationship.

Stop trying to prove that you are lovable, worthy, valuable, good enough, attractive, or adequate. If you don't already know that you're all of those things, then guess what? You have some work to do! Share on X

Go to therapy, speak to your pastor, a trusted mentor, or an older, godly woman and do the self-work/inner child work. And remember, you are already chosen. You’re chosen by a God who said that He knew you BEFORE you were in your mother’s womb. He knit you together piece by piece. He declared that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. It’s time for you to go out there and act like you know that to be true and stop accepting scraps from every tom, dick, and harry that tries to hit on you.

Your Challenge

If you haven’t already, start to work on your self worth/self value…not by reading a bunch of self-help books or saying 50 positive affirmations about yourself. Instead, head to the Word to see what God has to say about you, your worth, and your value in His eyes.
If you’re currently in a relationship (or even a situationship) reflect on whether this person is who they say they are. Are they a diamond in the rough? Or are they moissanite masquerading like the real thing?
Stop focusing on being chosen. Instead, ask yourself “Is this someone I would choose if I had multiple other fabulous options”?