How to Say ‘NO’! Pt. 2
If you struggle to say ‘no’ then this post is for you. If you haven’t already, check out the first post in this series here to learn the first factor that stops you from saying ‘no.’ The second factor is one you may be ignoring but that is also wreaking havok in your decision making. Let’s dive in…
What is trauma?
When you hear the word “trauma” what comes to mind? Maybe the word makes you think of experiencing events that threaten your physical and/or emotional well-being (e.g., being the victim of a hit and run, constantly being belittled by your parent, being molested by a close family friend, etc.).
A trauma is the emotional response you experience when you experience and/or witness a disturbing, life-threatening event. I’m sure you would agree that experiencing physical, psychological, verbal, and/or sexual abuse is traumatic. Each of these actions involves someone ⎼ a known or unknown perpetrator ⎼ violating your physical, psychological, or sexual boundaries for their own sick purposes.
While we often think of trauma in terms of something negative being done to us trauma can also encompass the things that should havebeen done for us but werenot.
So in other words, even if you were not the victim of physical or sexual abuse as a child, your parental neglect may have left you with a trauma you didn’t even realize you had ⎼ until now.
Take a moment to let that sink in…
A subcategory of psychological abuse
I’m sure that when you hear the term ‘psychological abuse’ you probably think of namecalling, taunting, gaslighting, manipulating, embarrassing, demeaning, bullying, or discrimination. You and everybody else can easily see this type of abuse.
Another subcategory of psychological abuse that is often missed is neglect. This is when the people who should have been (or should be) looking out for you (e.g., parents, guardians, etc.) didn’t.
After you read the next few paragraphs I want you to ask yourself this question: IS THIS ME?
As a child you had an expectation that your parents, family, guardians or loved ones would ensure your basic physical and emotional needs were met (e.g., a roof over your head, food on the table, clothing on your back, love, validation, affirmation, affection, approval, support). You probably observed this type of behavior on TV shows, in the movies, when you visited your friends’ houses, etc. So if you did not get these things from your parents/family as a young child then it could leave you with one big/glaring question.
Why not?
In many cases, if you experienced parental neglect, then you will have automatically assumed that something must be wrong with you. Touching briefly on the core beliefs I discussed in the last post, some of the core beliefs you may have developed include:
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I am bad
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I am not good enough
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I am defective
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I am unworthy
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I am not enough
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I am unlovable
As a child you may even have started to believe, “Something must be wrong with me because why else wouldn’t my family meet my [physical/emotional] needs? Everybody else gets their needs met.”
Operating from trauma
So the second reason why you struggle to say no is because you are operating from a trauma you are unaware of.
Here are some examples to put this into perspective:
Action: Your parents raised you for the first 6 years of your life, got divorced, and then your dad disappeared completely from your life.
Possible thought: Something must be wrong with me. If I do X maybe dad will come back.
Lifelong behavior: Constantly chasing after the people around you by saying ‘yes’ to what they want which often means saying ‘no’ to yourself.
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Action: Your mother divorces your father, marries her affair partner, and starts a completely different family before disengaging from you entirely.
Possible thought: I must not be as good as mom’s other family. Maybe if I do X or become Y I will be good enough.
Lifelong behavior: You are constantly performing. You figure that once you have done X or accomplished Y the people in your life will choose you. Leads to you wearing a mask where you often say ‘yes’ even if deep down inside it’s not really what you want. Nobody gets to know the real you.
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Action: You’re starving for love/affection and yet your family never had anything nice to say about you. They constantly put you down and suggested something was wrong with you.
Possible thought: I must be defective in some way.
Lifelong behavior: The moment a person makes a comment suggesting there’s something in you that you should change you immediately jump on it. You don’t stop to consider whether their criticism or feedback is valid or not. You may also have self-esteem, self-worth, self-value or body image issues.
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Action: One or both of your parents engages in blatant favoritism.
Possible thoughts: I must be unworthy of being the favorite.
Lifelong behavior: You are a chameleon. You say ‘yes’ and do whatever people want in order to get chosen as their best friend, partner, etc.
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The more neglect/psychological abuse you experience as a child, the more you may start to assume that a) your needs (whether physical or emotional) don’t matter (which ultimately means YOU don’t matter), and/or b) you may become overly-accomodating in an attempt to try to meet other people’s emotional/physical needs in hopes that they will eventually reciprocate.
Of course, that then makes you susceptible to several types of behavior (including but not limited to):
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Codependency
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Passivity
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Emotional numbness
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A martyr complex
Now sometimes you may come across as happy-go-lucky and excited about helping out other people. You may be the first to volunteer to help in any way you can; you may takeover projects that nobody else will; you may get into relationships with “projects” or emotional “fixer uppers”; you may pick up the slack when other people won’t; and you may never talk about the emotional impact this has on you.
However, the reality is there is literally no way you can constantly say ‘yes’ to everybody but yourself and be happy. Not only will this make you miserable and resentful (deep, deep, deep down inside) but you will also keep sacrificing yourself constantly to your own detriment.
Be honest: Could this be you? What steps can you take to start changing that today? Click here to read the next post in this series.
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