If you’ve been waiting for the third reason that you struggle to say no, then read on. If you haven’t already, check out the first and second post in this series here and here. In my last posts, I discussed two factors that keep you stuck in the unable-to-say-no camp. The first was people pleasing/core beliefs and the second was operating from our trauma. The third factor is one that you may struggle with until you learn to recognize and respond differently. Let’s dive in…

The other day I was on the phone with one of my friends who was feeling fairly depressed. As she described all of the things that had gone wrong in her life over the past few years, I felt an enormous sense of sympathy for her. I couldn’t help but imagine how my own attitude and outlook on life would have been negatively impacted if I had had a similar upbringing/life. All of a sudden, I started to think of how amazing it would be to plan something to cheer her up and get her feeling better again. I pulled out my iPad and immediately started to look for things to do in our area. In the middle of looking up a fun outing, a thought popped into my head.

What are you doing? And why?

In case it isn’t obvious, I think a lot. I like to understand why I do the things I do, why I think the way I think, why I feel the way I feel, and why I act the way I act. The more I thought about her situation, the more I realized what was fueling or driving my behavior. When I was on the phone with her, the more she talked about her problems. The more she talked about her problems, the sorrier I felt for her. The sorrier I felt for her, the more I wished that there was something I could do to make her feel better. The more I focused on this thought, the more motivated I felt to try to plan something that would pull her out of her depression and make her feel better.

Now as a psychologist, I know, logically speaking, that this is NOT how depression works. But, old habits die hard! I’ve always been a fixer (in a problem-solving kind of way, not a covering up scandals kind of way! 😂). Growing up, I had always been a person who felt bad (or even responsible) when the people around me were unhappy. If they weren’t happy then obviously I must have said or done something wrong. So I would twist myself into a pretzel to try to make them feel better (which in turn made me feel better).

In the situation described above, my friend never formally asked me to do anything for her. She never asked me to fix her feelings, her depression or her situation. But yet, here I was playing the role of SuperFriend! Somebody get that girl a cape! 🗣

Got boundaries?

Let me explain. You’ve probably already learned about boundaries and how important they are. Having good boundaries is “the practice of openly communicating, asserting, and defending [your] personal values.” There are many different types of boundaries. Some of the more common ones I’ve heard (or read) of include physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, spiritual boundaries, mental boundaries, time boundaries, topic boundaries, sexual boundaries, and even financial boundaries.

So when you set specific guidelines on what you will and won’t let interact with or affect you, then you are setting a boundary. Think of it as an imaginary line separating you, your thoughts, and feelings from everybody else.

When you have poor boundaries ⎼ whether physical, emotional, financial, sexual, etc. ⎼ you will often find yourself answering ‘yes’ to questions that haven’t even been asked!!!

Now when it comes to your struggles to say no, there is often one primary set of boundaries that tends to get you into trouble.

Emotional boundaries

Now you probably think that mental and emotional boundaries are the same thing. Not necessarily! While mental boundaries deals with your freedom to not have others force their thoughts on you, emotional boundaries deals with your freedom to not have others force their feelings on you.

Is it possible YOU lack emotional boundaries?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Do you ever feel responsible for other people’s feelings?

• Do you ever feel like if you tell somebody ‘no’ than you are letting them down?

• When someone (partner, child*, parent, etc.) is in trouble, do you ever feel like it’s your responsibility to save them?

• When someone (partner, child*, parent, etc.) is unhappy/angry, do you ever feel like you need to fix their unhappiness/anger?

• Do you ever feel responsible for somebody else’s happiness?

• Do you often put other people’s feelings/needs before your own?

• Do you ever feel obligated to answer personal questions asked of you?

• Do you ever notice that you seem to suck up the feelings of the people around you (e.g., if they’re angry, you’re angry; if they’re sad, you’re sad; etc.)?

• Do you constantly take the blame for others’ negative feelings?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you have poor emotional boundaries. Why does this matter? If you don’t cultivate the ability to distinguish and separate your feelings from everybody else’s you will constantly drive yourself crazy as you try to fix and problem-solve everybody else’s issues/emotional states.

In addition, having emotional boundaries helps to protect you from unhelpful feelings as well. Imagine this. You know that talking about a certain subject negatively impacts your mood/emotional state. But your friend or family member really, really, really wants to talk about it with you anyway. Give them a HARD PASS. Remember that you have the right to refuse to talk about that subject (which also falls under the category of topic boundaries).

The mistake I made