I was recently working on some projects for my business. And as a person who occasionally still struggles with perfectionism, I always like to ask my sis or brother to review my work. This week, I had finally gotten all of the pieces together for one of these projects. I felt happy—proud even. I asked my bro if he could look over it and let me know what he thought. I was especially concerned as I wanted to know how mines measured up in comparison to others’.

As he was reviewing my work I started to get in my head. “I wonder what he thinks?” “Will he think it makes sense/looks right?” “Does anything stand out in a negative or positive way?” “Will my preferred audience respond well to this?” “Does this look the way one would expect it to look.”

As I watched him review it, I noticed him start to smile. I immediately thought, “Aha! He likes it!” Once he finished, I asked him “Looks pretty legit, right?”

He handed me back my laptop and said, “It doesn’t look legit. It is legit.” Now my brother is a pretty straightforward guy. I know he was just speaking his mind in that moment with no hidden thoughts or double meanings. But when he said this to me it kept reverberating in my mind.

“It doesn’t look legit. It is legit.”

Why was I so affected by his words?

Reality check

Without even realizing it, I had asked a question that revealed my own biases and insecurities—some of which I thought I had gotten fully rid of. In the past, I’ve mentioned how I used to struggle with Imposter Syndrome.

If you’ve never heard of this term, Imposter Syndrome describes the tendency for high achieving individuals to doubt themselves, their skills or abilities, and feel like an imposter or fraud.

Although I’ve made a significant amount of progress in this area, my words were not measuring up to my expressed beliefs about myself.

Without even trying to, I had revealed my own deep-seated concerns about “measuring up.” In short, I had been taken back to one of my greatest fears growing up.

As the child of immigrant parents, I know what it is like to feel like an outsider. Growing up, my parents made sure to tell me and my sister (my baby brother was nowhere near being born yet!) that as black people we would inevitably experience racism.

They encouraged us to pursue higher education to open up more doors of opportunity for ourselves and our future children. They also told us that while people may prejudge us based on the color of our skin, our educational accomplishments and credentials were “colorless” and would “speak for themselves.”

Now as an adult, I understand why my parents told us these things. They were trying to prepare us for the tough realities of life. But whatever their intentions, there was a seed sown. So what seed was sown and how did it affect me? Read on to learn about the validation trap!