However, what ultimately is not beneficial is when you rehash your past hurts and traumas over and over and over again without doing anything meaningful to process it and obtain closure.

Trauma Survivor vs. Victimhood

First, I want to make a distinction between you having a trauma history versus you chronically playing the, “I’m the biggest victim” card.

If you were in a clinical setting and had a trauma history, you would receive therapy geared towards addressing and processing your trauma. One therapist may focus on helping you target “stuck points” so that you can move past your trauma. Another therapist may help you create a different and more coherent narrative of what happened—one that leaves you feeling like a survivor as opposed to a victim. Yet another may have you write out your story over and over again until it decreases the sense of shame, and accordingly, power it has over you.

Why therapy matters

Therapy provides a safe space where you can deal with and express your most deepest hurts, pains, and fears. This includes the nature of the abuse; your relationship (if any) with the perpetrator; your concerns about what the abuse has done to you or your sense of self/worth/security; your negative feelings of guilt, shame, violation; and your concerns about your future, etc.

After discussing these things with your therapist, you can work on processing what happened so you can heal and move on. This process may take weeks, months, years, even decades! After experiencing a trauma, or multiple traumas, you may feel as if you have never and will never be the same. It may even be helpful for you to believe that healing is a process and not a destination you reach.

How can you tell whether you’re a survivor or “Victim”?

The difference between you being a survivor of trauma and VIP (victim-in-perpetuity) is simple.

As a survivor you understand that while your trauma has negatively impacted your life it does not define it.

• You understand that life handed you a bad set of cards, but you are constantly striving to figure out how you can win or play the best with the hand that you have been dealt (or play a different game altogether…).

• You understand that while it is okay to occasionally look in the rearview mirror, you must eventually look forward if you don’t want to crash.

• When you tell your story, it isn’t because you’re trying to manipulate the people around you. Instead, it is a way to reframe your story in an empowering way and remove the shame/stigma/power that your past/story previously held over you.

In contrast, if you are a VIP you do the exact opposite.

• Your trauma absolutely defines you.

• While you may (publicly) state that it doesn’t, your actions scream the opposite.

• You have an uncanny ability to excuse any negative behavior or failing on your part as a result of past pain, hurt or trauma.

• If life has handed you a bad set of cards then you’re going to beat the dealer across the head until you can get a new set of cards.

• You don’t just look in your proverbial rearview mirror. You keep it in your back pocket to explain why none of your “crashes” were your fault.

In other words, you constantly use your story as the ultimate trump card.

The VIP uses their victimhood as the ultimate explanation for why they have not reached, and continue to not achieve, their complete potential.

And in cases where they are at fault they accept:

NO blame

NO responsibility

Accordingly, because they use victimhood as their main defense mechanism their life is characterized by:

NO insight

NO growth

NO maturity

NO awareness

NO self-actualization

NO real progress made

So while the perpetual victim may not be aware of it at first, their reliance on victimhood ultimately leads them NOwhere.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Each of the factors mentioned above can definitely negatively impact the trajectory of your life. It can make your life painful, and in some cases, feel unbearable.

Remember, while you may not always be able to change or completely eradicate these factors, you ultimately get to decide which perspective you will take. Will these issues be an insurmountable obstacle in your path? Or will they be a speed bump or detour that slows you down but doesn’t keep you from getting to your ultimate destination?

We can’t always change what happened to us. However, we can learn to change how we respond from here on out.

Have you been using victimhood as your trump card? What would need to change to help you get out of this habit?

*Side note: While I mentioned several “isms” above, I want to make it crystal clear that I am not referring to the genuine systematic factors that negatively affect one’s life. If there is one thing the past few years have shown us it’s that there there are several structures in place that systematically keep certain groups of people down in various ways. In this short blog post I can’t even begin to adequately address these issues and what would need to change overall to bring about positive improvements. For example, I am very much aware that the average woman makes significantly less than her male counterpart. And for women of color, this wage gap is even wider. While this is something that needs to change (and I encourage everyone out there to try to bring about meaningful change in this area), this isn’t something that I (or you) can change overnight. Instead, this particular post is geared towards focusing on what can be changed immediately: our mindset and/or negative thought patterns that stand in the way of our success.