Playing the Victim: Stop Or You won’t Have the Power to Live Your Best Life Now
Be honest. When you read the words “victim mentality” who immediately came to mind? Was it your friend? Your spouse? Your co-worker? Or maybe you have been accused of having this type of mindset.
For the past few years, I’ve noticed more people with a need to tell everyone about the various ways they have been hurt/victimized by people in their past. Their story is shared over, and over, and over, and over, and over… And they’re not just telling their stories to share their scars with others and provide hope; they’re telling these stories as a way to explain away all of their (perceived) failures and shortcomings.
VIPs — victims in perpetuity — can constantly find a way to blame their lack of success, accomplishment, health, or achievement, on others or the things that were done to them. Share on XVIPs—victims in perpetuity — can constantly find a way to blame their lack of success, accomplishment, health, achievement, fill-in-the -blank-with-any-other-positive-state-of-being, on others or the things that were done to them.
Now don’t get me wrong. The last thing you need is for the world to go back to the days when nobody spoke up about anything (e.g., abuse, neglect, trauma, toxic relationships or family patterns, bullying, etc.), and everything was brushed under the rug.
However, what ultimately is not beneficial is when you rehash your past hurts and traumas over and over and over again without doing anything meaningful to process it and obtain closure.
Trauma Survivor vs. Victimhood
First, I want to make a distinction between you having a trauma history versus you chronically playing the, “I’m the biggest victim” card.
If you were in a clinical setting and had a trauma history, you would receive therapy geared towards addressing and processing your trauma. One therapist may focus on helping you target “stuck points” so that you can move past your trauma. Another therapist may help you create a different and more coherent narrative of what happened—one that leaves you feeling like a survivor as opposed to a victim. Yet another may have you write out your story over and over again until it decreases the sense of shame, and accordingly, power it has over you.
Why therapy matters
Therapy provides a safe space where you can deal with and express your most deepest hurts, pains, and fears. This includes the nature of the abuse; your relationship (if any) with the perpetrator; your concerns about what the abuse has done to you or your sense of self/worth/security; your negative feelings of guilt, shame, violation; and your concerns about your future, etc.
After discussing these things with your therapist, you can work on processing what happened so you can heal and move on. This process may take weeks, months, years, even decades! After experiencing a trauma, or multiple traumas, you may feel as if you have never and will never be the same. It may even be helpful for you to believe that healing is a process and not a destination you reach.
How can you tell whether you’re a survivor or “Victim”?
The difference between you being a survivor of trauma and VIP (victim-in-perpetuity) is simple.
When you’re a survivor you understand that while your trauma has negatively impacted your life it does not define it.
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You understand that life handed you a bad set of cards, but you are constantly striving to figure out how you can win or play the best with the hand that you have been dealt (or play a different game altogether…).
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You understand that while it is okay to occasionally look in the rearview mirror, you must eventually look forward if you don’t want to crash.
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When you tell your story, it isn’t because you’re trying to manipulate the people around you. Instead, it is a way to reframe your story in an empowering way and remove the shame/stigma/power that your past/story previously held over you.
In contrast, if you are a VIP you do the exact opposite.
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Your trauma absolutely defines you.
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While you may (publicly) state that it doesn’t, your actions scream the opposite.
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You have an uncanny ability to excuse any negative behavior or failing on your part as a result of past pain, hurt or trauma.
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If life has handed you a bad set of cards then you’re going to beat the dealer across the head until you can get a new set of cards.
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You don’t just look in your proverbial rearview mirror. You keep it in your back pocket to explain why none of your “crashes” were your fault.
In other words, you constantly use your story as the ultimate trump card. Read on to learn what the trump card is.
It’s so easy to fall into this mindset. Sometimes, it’s insidious! Then it becomes a way of life because we train ourselves to think like this constantly! Time to say, “No victim trump card here!!
Time to be empowered!!” Thanks for sharing!!
"Insidious" is the perfect word to describe this process. After a while, it becomes a constant crutch we lean on again and again (to our own detriment). Definitely agree, "no victim trump card here!"