Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard the allegations from Prince Harry about his family, the treatment they received from the British press, and the Royal Family. While I know that some people are #TeamSussex and others are #TeamBRF, I wanted to focus on something else entirely. Something that I think many people have missed in this sad and messy saga.

Storytime

Many years ago when I was just a beginner therapist, I began seeing a client who came in reporting depression symptoms. I’ll call him Riley. Riley was from a tight, close-knit family; but he believed everything about his childhood—parenting, upbringing, familial/sibling relationships—was dysfunctional. After seeing how regularly family members would hurt each other, he decided that he would not remain a part of that hellish cycle. 

He was so hellbent on getting away from the chaos that as soon as he was able to he got a job he saved up his money and moved to an entirely different country. Within months, Riley was able to support himself with extra cash to boot; so much so that his family and friends began to come a calling.

By the time he came in for therapy, Riley reported multiple symptoms. He had seen several therapists and been unable to address his symptoms. 

After a few sessions, I started to notice a recurrent pattern. Every single session was about how his family was responsible for his current problems. Although by society’s standards he was doing well for himself, he still viewed himself as a victim.

• Work difficulties? Tied back to his family. 
• Interpersonal stress? Tied back to his family. 
• Depression, anger, trauma? Tied back to his family?

Riley hadn’t seen them for years. He spoke to them rarely. He was separated from his family by countries and even an ocean or two. Even then, all of Riley’s current problems and disappointments were due to his family, their unwillingness to change, and the long-term impact this had and continued to have on him. 

After discussing the case with my supervisor, throwing several diagnoses around, and noticing several cyclical maladaptive patterns, I decided to try something new.

I brought the patterns to Riley’s attention. But no matter how I spun it, Riley wouldn’t (or couldn’t) acknowledge it. And because he wouldn’t acknowledge the patterns, it led to him continuing to blame his family for everything that had gone wrong in his life while also giving them an inordinate amount of power over him. This was incredibly disempowering.

• Session after session he vented about his family. 
• Session after session he discussed past traumas. 
• Session after session he discussed his symptoms. 

Session after session I worked on helping him process his emotions, identify his stuck points, rewrite the narrative, and learn or review more positive coping, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance skills. 

Session after session he came back with the same problems. Session after session we went in circles. 

As much as I hated to admit it, we were well and truly stuck.

As I reviewed the case conceptualization and tried to figure out what to try next, I remembered a statement I once saw in one of my textbooks. It had been at least a year since I saw it but the general gist had stuck in my head: 

Too many people make the mistake of going away from their family as opposed to growing away from their family. 

Oh my gosh, I thought to myself. That was it. Riley had left his family. He had literally fled his native country to get away from them and their dysfunction and start a better life elsewhere. 

But even though he was living in a new country, making good money, Riley was still…stuck. He had gone away from his family but he hadn’t yet learned to grow away from his family. And because of his own dysfunctional pattern, and his unwillingness (or inability) to let things go, he remained emotionally tied to them.

Maybe you can relate to Prince Harry. Maybe you believe that you came from a dysfunctional family and it is their fault that you are the way you are or that your life has turned out the way it has.

Or, maybe you relate to the royal family. Maybe you feel betrayed by your family member who constantly seems to have you in their sights and never seems to take ownership for the parts they’ve played in your damaged relationship and their own life. 

Regardless of who you identify with, one fact remains

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you can’t change your family members. 

It doesn’t matter how much you love them. 

It doesn’t matter how much you talk to them. 

It doesn’t matter how much you recommend they get therapy.

It doesn’t matter how much you tell them how they hurt, or continue to hurt, you.

You 👏🏽 can’t 👏🏽 change 👏🏽 them 👏🏽!!! 

The longer you base your ability to heal & move forward on your loved ones’ willingness to change, apologize, or do right by you, the longer you will be stuck. Tweet this!

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do—whether you come from a dysfunctional family or feel like you’re being attacked by dysfunctional family members—is learn to cut the cord. Don’t just go away—grow away. 

When it comes to breaking dysfunctional family patterns, emigrating to a new country or moving out of your family home is not enough. You have to put in the work! Tweet this!

What does putting in the work look like?

Unlearn unhealthy patterns. 

Set up strict boundaries (e.g., emotional, physical, time, topic, etc.). 

Assert and advocate for yourself. 

And finally learn—with the help of a qualified therapist—how to create new, healthy patterns of behavior.

One more thing

I will never forget when my graduate school professor told the class that all families are dysfunctional. Yes, you read that right. All families are dysfunctional—it’s just a matter of degrees. When you’re hurt it’s normal to want to lash out and get revenge. Trying to get back at your family member(s), or make them hurt the way you’ve been hurt, is equivalent to getting ‘an eye for an eye.’ But as one wise person said, “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.” Everybody knows that the best revenge is to go out and truly be happy. 

But while airing your dirty laundry (in therapy) may feel cathartic, it is the beginning—not the end—of the healing process. Tweet this!

Whether you identify with Prince Harry or the Royal family, the keys to managing your broken relationship are the same:

a) take ownership for the part you play, 

b) remember that you can’t control/change your family member(s)—so don’t bother, 

c) set boundaries with the family member(s) (especially if you are unable to communicate with them/resolve the issue)

d) process your hurt with a qualified therapist (in private!) so that you can forgive, heal, and move forward with your life. 

Besides, don’t you think it’s time you grew away from your family for good?