Imagine this. One minute you’re happily (or miserably) single and then the next minute you’re swept off your feet by a person who promises to be everything you were looking for. It feels like a dream—at first. But then gradually, you start to realize that your significant other isn’t who you thought they were. When things start to get bad in your relationship you often try to a) fix it or b) plan your exit. But what if there was a way to keep yourself from getting into these types of situations in the first place?

One of the primary mistakes you engage in is making decisions from a place of lack. And this isn’t just true of relationships! You get yourself into horrible situations when you fail to recognize how your own emptiness negatively affects your decision-making. This makes you more susceptible to the wrong person, the crappy job offer, the shady business opportunity, and more. What exactly do I mean by lack?

Let me tell you a story

When I was a young girl, I would attend fasts at my church with my parents. For those of you who are not familiar with this concept, a fast (in religious circles) is a period of time where you willingly choose to avoid eating food in order to detach from the material/physical world and attach to the spiritual. At my church we would occasionally have a fast from 6am to noon, or (in extreme cases) from 6am to 6pm.

I’m not going to lie to you. The thought that we would be going without food for 6 to 12 hours felt like being told that I would be fasting for the rest of my (probably short) life.

I’m not exaggerating. Fasting was BRUTAL! In my young mind, not eating for several hours was like being told that I couldn’t breathe; and it didn’t help that as a kid you tend to eat every few of hours or so (at least I was!). So whenever we were having a fast at the church, I would not look forward to what I knew was coming—that horrible, gnawing, painful feeling in your stomach that lets you know that you are hungry and your stomach is just one step away from taking a bite out of your kidney.

But then, I started to notice that an interesting thing would always happen at the end of the fasts. When my church was on the small side, my mom would prepare a snack for everyone to eat after the service ended—tuna sandwiches.
Yes, you read that correctly: Tuna. Sandwiches.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I think about my favorite meal (or the most delicious food ever created) tuna sandwiches aren’t anywhere near the top of my list!

But something strange would happen after fasting for what felt like forever. My first bite into that tuna sandwich was like tasting a 5-course meal prepared by a Michelin-starred chef!!! It was HEAVEN. It was a party in my mouth. It was so, SO, SO freaking good! Even though tuna sandwiches weren’t my favorite, the taste of the sandwich was amplified by my lack because I had been fasting for hours before.

If you forget everything you read today, don’t forget this. One of the main reasons you get (and stay) in bad relationships or situations is because period(s) of deprivation you’ve experienced have primed you to perceive below average as great.

So many of us have been “fasting” and never even noticed it. We haven’t had our basic emotional/psychological needs met for days, weeks, months, even YEARS.

I’m going to ask you to do something right now. Are you ready? Let’s get REAL. Or, if you can’t be real with me, at least be real with yourself. Ask yourself, “What am I lacking that has affected (and is still affecting) my decision making?”

Is it that you want or need to feel:

• Desired? Loved?

• Validated? Affirmed?

• Respected? Confident?

• Successful? Wealthy?

• Worthy? Valued?

• A sense of commitment?

• A sense of (physical, financial, or emotional) security?

• Like you belong? Like you’re missed? Like you’ve been chosen above all others?

Think about it. What were you missing growing up? Were your parents always critical of you? Never received any constructive feedback?

Imagine if you were you always craving validation of yourself or feelings but never received it? Chances are one of your primary love languages would be words of affirmation. Why? Because this area of lack for you may lead you to constantly look for that thing (e.g., validation, affirmation, compliments, etc.) you never received growing up..

Remember, until you can figure out what you’re missing, you will never be able to figure out where you’re going wrong in your decision-making. Never!

Whatever you haven’t been getting all of your life will be kryptonite to you.

When a special someone, a job offer, or an opportunity promises to give you one or even some of these things you will get sucked in—-FAST. You will accept crumbs over and over and over and over and—you get the point!

Now does this mean our emotional needs are bad or need to be suppressed? Heck no! The key is to ensure that your emotional needs are being met in healthy and legitimate ways prior to making decisions or getting into any kind of relationship or arrangement. This is just one way to protect yourself from getting into unhealthy situations in the future.

In what way has your lack amplified your desire for something that isn’t the best for you? Comment below and let me know what you think!