Dead at 49. The Challenge of Trying to Prevent Suicide

I was scrolling through Twitter when I first saw the headline:

Kyle Jacobs, songwriter and husband of country singer Kellie Pickler, dead at 49

Now while I hadn’t watched American Idol in years, I remembered Kellie Pickler’s name well enough that my jaw dropped. 

Her husband is dead? At forty-nine years old? How did he die? 

I clicked on the link and saw the word:

Suicide. “Self inflicted gunshot wound.”

I was reminded of other high profile people who have died via suicide. 

• Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss
• Anthony Bourdain
• Steven Bing
• Kate Spade
• Avicii
• Chester Bennington
• Robin Williams

As I read through the news reports and comments, I noticed the same patterns of questions kept popping up.

• Wow, I had no idea they were suicidal.
• But they seemed so happy.
• How could their family not know they were suicidal?
• But they were rich? What reason would they have to off themselves?
• This is why you need to watch out for depression and suicidal symptoms in your family and friends!
• But he just posted something positive on Instagram. What gives?

On and on it went. But reading all these comments reminded me that there’s one thing you and I occasionally miss when it comes to the topic of suicide.

Storytime

When my younger brother was born I was a tweenager. But although there was a huge age gap between the two of us, I still enjoyed playing games with him. One of the games we used to play regularly was trying to scare one another. This is when we would find the most random places to hide in and around the house (behind doors, in closets, under the bed, etc.); and when the other person least suspected it, would jump out, grabbing them with a loud roar. 

My brother would scream, jump, and then eventually laugh his head off! But there was one thing that I did that bothered my brother constantly during our little game. 

Specifically, no matter how often he got the jump on me, and jumped out from behind a door or inside a closet, I never, ever screamed. As a matter of fact, I barely startled. I can still see his face in my mind’s eye.

He would say the same thing to me every single time. 

“I DON’T GET IT! HOW COME I CAN NEVER SCARE YOU?!”

Back then, I enjoyed telling him that he would never be able to scare his big sis. Besides, I was unscareable! 🙂 The only problem is, this was not entirely true.

The reality is he did scare me. Almost every single time. But unfortunately for him, I never showed it outwardly/externally. 

As I said in a previous post, because of my upbringing in a classic, Caribbean household, I learned how to be emotionally over-controlled. 

I had so readily learned to suppress my emotions that I didn’t (at least outwardly) show that his actions had actually scared or had an effect on me. So while I was startled/scared on the inside (as the thundering beat of my heart made ridiculously obvious!) you wouldn’t have known it just by looking at me. 

There are so, SO many people out there who are constantly experiencing an inner whirlwind of turbulent emotions. On the outside, they look like me and you. But on the inside they are scared. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. Dejected. Rejected. Abandoned. Powerless. Hopeless. You can’t always tell just by looking at them. They hide it too well (whether intentionally or not).

One of the biggest mistakes you and I make when dealing with the topic of suicide is thinking that there will always be super visible signs or indicators that a person is suicidal. Tweet this!

The reality is:

• Not everyone makes it a point to warn their family, friends or loved ones before attempting suicide.
• A person can smile on the outside and be dying on the inside.
• A person can do nice things for other people, and bring joy to their life/lives, and struggle to bring joy into their own life.
• A person can get so good at pretending that they fool themselves into thinking they are actually okay.
• Depression does not always look like a person moping around like Eeyore. High-functioning depression is a thing!

I’ll never forget the comment my friend, Rachel, made about what it was like when she was in the delivery room. She was waiting for her doctor who seemingly assumed that she must be fine since she was quiet. “Just because I’m not screaming doesn’t mean I’m not in pain.”

The same concept holds for a person struggling with suicide. A person who is suicidal does not always have a big, flashing red sign on their forehead. In other words, if your family member, friend, or loved one is suicidal, you can do everything right. For example,

• You can ask the right questions.
• You can check in regularly.
• You can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.
• You can recommend a therapist and a crisis hotline.
• You can take them to their appointments yourself.
• You can make sure they’re on medication.
• And you can make yourself available to your loved ones 24/7, 365 days a week.

But when a person truly makes up their mind to commit suicide, they enter a state of mind like no other. And they may take any measure necessary to ensure they are successful and can’t be stopped (e.g., disappearing, locking themselves inside a bedroom, traveling to a remote location, etc.). 

One of the hardest parts of loving someone who committed suicide is acknowledging that while you loved them—and would never have wanted them to feel that suicide was their best option—there was nothing you could do to stop them.

If, like Kellie Pickler, someone you love has committed suicide, and you feel guilty or responsible for not having known, this is your reminder to let it go. Don’t hesitate to speak to a therapist if you’re having a rough time with this.

Check out a few helpful resources below:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255(TALK); 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
• Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to receive 24-hour support if/when experiencing suicidal crisis or distress.
• International Suicide Hotlines
• Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition
• Suicide Hotline & Helpline Information

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