Now don’t get me wrong, I am not above clapping back 😳 As a matter of fact, I can think of several times I was tempted to clapback at people who (in my opinion at least) unfairly criticized me. Maybe this is you right now. Maybe there are people who:

• Criticize your decision making

• Criticize your clothing choices

• Criticize your homeschooling your kids

• Criticize your starting a business

• Criticize your leaving your job

• Criticize your decision to leave organized religion

• Criticize how you and your partner run your household

• Criticize your having more than two children.

If you have ever been tempted to clapback to one of these people then congratulations, you’re officially human! But then, there is a small group of people who I like to call “clapback Kings and Queens.”

You know who I’m talking about. This person is your family member, friend, coworker, or partner who always, ALWAYS has to clap back to any and every single piece of criticism thrown their way. Any, and every criticism ⎼ whether valid or not ⎼ must be addressed, shut down, and extinguished. Even their social media posts are used to respond to criticism.

Or…maybe, just maybe, this person is YOU… 🫣

Imagine this scenario

You decide to attend a sporting or music event. Maybe it involves one of the “greats:” Beyoncé, Serena Williams, Steph Curry, Lionel Messi, Misty Copeland, or any of your faves. During the outing, your favorite artist/athlete starts to get interrupted by one of the other people there.

“Autotune?!!! I didn’t pay $500 for this crap!

“Why can’t you just hit the ball?”

“BOO! You suck! Horrible play!”

“What are you blind? The goal is right there, RIGHT THERE!”

“You call THAT a pirouette? My 3 year-old could do a much better job.”

Now other than finding this person obnoxious, you’d probably ignore them (or if you’re ballsy, maybe tell them to ‘shut up’).

But imagine if instead, this happens:

Serena drops the racket and says, “You hit a ball flying at you that fast. Let’s see how much mouth you’d have then!”

Steph stops in the middle of the game, with less than 5 seconds on the clock, and tells them, “Come down here and try to get the winning shot. Since you’re all big and bad. You think you can do better? Prove it.”

Now imagine if Bey, Serena, and Steph clapped back over…and over…and over in one night. 😒 Chances are that you would probably a) pull out your phone to record the whole thing (nothing like going viral or profiting off someone else’s mess, #amIright lol!) or, if you’re stunned like me, b) you’d probably give a confused side eye:

Why?

Because deep down inside you understand that these celebs have ZERO need to respond to their “haters.” They know their value and worth. They are undoubtedly successful (regardless of what their “haters” may think). They don’t have to prove themselves to anyone. Accordingly, background noise should be just that…something that fades into the background and is ignored.

Can I tell you a little secret? There is only one, ONE reason why you feel the need to clap back to every single negative opinion of you.

It’s because you have a need to control the way any and everybody around you thinks of you.

Again, you may be asking, But…why?

I hate to break it to you but this is not simply because you’re a control freak. Here are the 4 reasons you feel the need to constantly clapback:

1) Lack of identity (occurs in childhood)

2) Low self-esteem

3) Received conditional love as a child

4) Inability to affirm/validate yourself.

The only way that you can feel confident in yourself and what you bring to the table is if others acknowledge or affirm your worth and validate you. In other words, you have an unhealthy need for external validation because this is the only way you can consistently feel good about yourself, your decisions, and your choices in life. Stopping the clapback disease means doing the inner child work to figure out a) how you got stuck in the areas listed above and b) what steps you need to take to heal and move forward.

I once heard it said, “If you live by their compliments, you’ll die by their criticism.” If you are constantly clapping back at people then YOU, not your “haters”, are standing in the way of your goals as YOU are your own worst enemy. Why? Because you are wasting time, focus, and energy that could otherwise be spent on you and your goals.

If this is you, then you have to learn to internally validate yourself. STOP waiting on or expecting other people to validate you or to cosign or agree with your decisions. Being raised with conditional love teaches you that your worth and value are dependent on your performance.

Trust that your worth/value are completely and totally independent of your performance or people agreeing with you or seeing life the way you do.

It is unwise to think that people will always agree with you or approve the way you do things.

Until you learn how to do this for yourself you will constantly feel the need to respond to their criticism to build up your shaky self-esteem. As I said in another blog post, “you are NOT a parking ticket and do not need to wait to be validated!” To end this blog I wanted to share a quote by Tina Fey that really hit this point home for me.

“‘Is this person in between me and what I want to do?’ If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work, and outpacing people that way.” -Tina Fey

If after reading this post you’ve recognized that you are a clapback Queen or King then this is your reminder to hit the ignore/mute button and carry on with your life. Isn’t it time you got out of your own way?

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