Love is Blind? What Keeps You From Finding ‘The One’
While I enjoy watching shows like Love is Blind, my expectations of couples matching and staying together in the long-term are usually low. Very, very low lol 🫣.
Now before you call me a skeptic, let me explain.
While the idea behind the show is interesting—couples connect based on an emotional connection rather than looks—I’ve noticed a lot of participants exhibit the same patterns every season. And if you’re honest, chances are you’ve probably engaged in some of these patterns yourself…I know I have!
If you want to increase your chances of finding ‘the one’ for you, then read on to learn the mistakes you’re making that are holding you back.
***Disclaimer: This post is not about judging any Love is Blind participants. It takes a lot of courage to go on one of these shows and then watch as people nitpick everything you do and say. Instead, I want you to look at their stories as an opportunity to reflect on your own dating behavior (I know I sure have!) to see if there may be something you need to change.***
Let’s consider one of the participants, the vivacious Colleen.
Colleen introduces herself as a ballet dancer to each of the male participants she meets.Now at first, this didn’t stick out terribly to me. When you’re first getting to know someone it’s normal to discuss what you each do for a living.
Unfortunately, just a few short scenes later, we watch Colleen get rejected by a guy named Brennon. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her as she described what it felt like to be rejected, especially after just pouring out her feelings to him.
At one point she said, “In the real world, I think guys are attracted to me because they find a ballet dancer is super interesting. I would say they are attracted to my looks rather than my personality.” After a few dates, they’re like, “Oh, she’s a pretty face, Oh, she’s– It’s fun talking to a ballet dancer,” but then they’re like, “Okay, I’m gonna go somewhere else.”
Have you ever thought something like this about yourself? Do you ever feel that the people you talk to are only interested in you based on one or two superficial factors about yourself? Then read on for what may be keeping you on a never-ending hamster wheel in your dating relationships.
Mistake
Not being aware of your own cognitive distortions (a fancy schmancy term for ‘thinking errors’).
The reality is everyone experiences cognitive distortions from time to time. Two common ones I’ve seen on Love is Blind are emotional reasoning and all-or-nothing thinking.
**Now this is reality TV so let’s temporarily ignore the fact that Colleen’s words may have been edited to come across a certain way.
If we take her words at face value, Colleen thinks men are interested in her because of her job. This is emotional reasoning.
If you forget everything I write here, do not forget this! Emotional reasoning is 1 of the top reasons why YOU are stuck! 😳
Emotional reasoning looks like this:
“I feel like X is true, therefore, X must be true.”
Or in Colleen’s case, “I feel like men are only interested in or attracted to me because I’m a ballet dancer. Therefore, men must only be interested in me because I’m a ballet dancer.”
Emotional reasoning involves you acting as if all of your feelings are true—and by feelings I mean beliefs disguised as feelings. Tweet this!
In addition, all-or-nothing thinking involves viewing yourself and others in extremes.
-
Attractive or unattractive.
-
Interesting or uninteresting.
-
Lovable or unlovable.
-
Successful or failure.
This thinking error is also called black and white thinking because you tend to completely miss the grey areas! You may assume that if a guy doesn’t want to date you then it must be because you’re uninteresting. Or, you may assume they’re a bad person when they don’t respond the way you think they should.
In Colleen’s case, if she believes that men are interested in her primarily because she is a ballet dancer, she may be tempted to furnish more information related to that to keep them interested.
For example, after introducing herself to another participant, Cole, and telling him that she was a ballet dancer, Colleen added that she is, “very flexible..super limber…I do the splits. That’s all you gotta know.”
Cole’s reaction was immediate. “You had me at ‘limber,’” he replied as they both chuckled.
Now, I realize that the producers probably included and edited this scene in a specific way for specific reasons (hello?! ratings, anyone?!! 👀) But I also couldn’t help but wonder how this may have tied in to her thinking errors.
Did Colleen reveal this tidbit just because? …Or, does her belief that men are only interested in her because she’s a ballet dancer lead her to share more facts she thinks will further reel them in?
Be honest. What are some forms of thinking errors that you engage in?
I feel unattractive; therefore, I must be unattractive.
I feel like a failure; therefore, I must be a failure.
I feel like everyone around me is moving forward in life, career, and relationships and I am standing still; therefore, I must not be making progress.
I feel like guys only like people who look like X; therefore, I must look like X in order to attract someone.
I feel like women only like people who are X feet tall and make Y figures; therefore, people my height making 5 figures are #foreveralone.
My failed dating experiences lead me to feel like there are no more good men/women out there; therefore, there must not be anymore good ones out there…and I should just join my local convent/monastery. Kidding…mostly. 🫠
And on and on it goes…
Remember,
Thoughts ⟹ Feelings ⟹ Behaviors
If you haven’t learned to identify your thinking errors (i.e., cognitive distortions), this will affect your feelings and behaviors. I mentioned two above but there are many, many more. And it’s not enough to know you’re engaging in cognitive distortions/thinking errors. 👀 You actually have to take the time to unpack and dismantle them by looking for evidence that contradicts them. Check out mistake #2 here!
What do you think? What advice would you give to Colleen to increase her chances of finding the right person for her? What advice would you give to yourself? How is your emotional reasoning currently holding you back?
Let’s consider one of the participants, the vivacious Colleen.