What You *Should* Say When Your Loved One Is Hurting

We’ve all been there. 

• Your friend messages to let you know they broke up with their girlfriend.
• Your sibling calls to tell you she miscarried her baby.
• Your father blows up your phone after learning of your mother’s affair.
• Your boyfriend tells you that his cousin killed themselves last night.

One after another they pour out their story to you. 

You feel a mixture of emotions: confusion, sadness, anger, sympathy, even shock. 

In that moment, you want nothing more than to help them. Maybe you wrack your brain trying to figure out the best thing to say or do to help them get through a traumatic time. 

Storytime

Have you ever had one of those professors who loves having the class roleplay? I have. And I absolutely hated it. Besides, if I wanted to act, I would have gone to drama school! 🙃 But alas, my professor loved to have us all act out various scripts to get a point across.

During one particular class, he was talking about how to work with a client who was expressing and experiencing a lot of pain. He had us split up into groups of 2 (one person would play the therapist and the other the client). 

He went around the room and asked each of us what we would say to our client. The answers were as varied as the students in the class. Maybe you’ve said one or more of these before.

• “My condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “Well…everything happens for a reason.”
• “Look on the bright side. It could have been worse.”
• “I can only imagine what you’re going through.”
• “At least he’s in a better place now now.”
• “Rejection is God’s protection.”
• “Well, now that you know you can move on and start living your life.”
• “If you miscarried, your body must have had a reason to abort the baby.” (I actually do know someone who was told this 😞).

After listening to all of the responses, our professor said something like this. 

“Imagine a large pool. Can you visualize it? Maybe it’s olympic size. Extra long, and extra wide. Now imagine it’s completely and utterly filled to the brim with sh*t. I’m talking huge, stinky loads of ‘em. Do you see it? Smell it? Okay. Never forget this. Your clients will come to you with all of their hurts, pain, and suffering. And sometimes, all they need you to do is sit in the sh*t with them.” 

By now, you’ve probably figured out where I’m going with this. 

While there’s plenty you can say to help someone who’s hurting, sometimes the best thing to say is something we never think of at all.

N•O•T•H•I•N•G

Absolutely NOTHING.

While there’s plenty you can say to help someone who’s hurting, sometimes the best thing to say is something we never think of at all. NOTHING. Share on X

I have a harsh truth to share? Are you ready? Okay, here it is. 

Sometimes, when we give out pieces of advice to our loved ones who are hurting, it isn’t for their benefit…it’s for ours.

How do I know this? Simple. Because at one point I was this person. #dontjudgeme 🫣

While it’s true that I wanted to make the person feel better, the reality is that subconsciously I also wanted to make myself feel better. It cost too much emotional energy to—as my professor so eloquently put it—sit in the sh*t with them. Why was that?

As I’ve described in another post, growing up I learned that negative emotions were something to be repressed, controlled, or avoided. 

In other words, managing emotions was not a thing. So because I lacked the emotional resources to handle/manage my own emotions, I couldn’t handle anybody else’s. 

The reality was that my words of sympathy, as well meaning as they were, cost me…nothing. 😶 I had done my “good deed” as their friend, sister, daughter, cousin, co-worker, student, and more. I had inspired them with hope that, as much as this situation sucked, things would eventually get better. 

The sad thing is back then I actually thought I was being helpful! I now look back with regret and wish that I had done things differently. Less talking and more just being there with them, making my presence known and felt.

Now to be clear, it’s good to express your condolences and offer instrumental support to a person who is hurting. And occasionally, it can be helpful to reassure a person that the dark days won’t last.

But when it comes to emotionally supporting a loved one who is hurting, sometimes the best thing you can do is sit with them in silence. Tweet this!

If you’re the “fixer” type this may be incredibly hard for you. Believe me, I know, lol. And yes, I know this advice may sound counterintuitive but it works. 

You cannot and may never be able to understand what they’re going through. So don’t fill up the empty spaces with platitudes and words or problem solving techniques. Instead, learn to sit with them even through the tough times. 

When your loved one is hurting, you will be tempted to try to fix them. But there’s no need to try to fix their problem (it can’t be fixed). There’s no need to mend their broken heart (that will take time). There is only a need for them to know that you are there. Tweet this!

Learn to sit with people through the highs and lows of life. Both you and them will be much better for it!

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