Have you ever watched a couple meet, fall madly in love and then get married. Only to then watch them fall out of love and get divorced within a short span of time? As a teen this would boggle my mind! How in the heck do you go from love to hate so quickly? 😶 In hearing about the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case, I was struck by just how graphic the allegations were of what happened between them during their relationship (of roughly 5 years total). Each of them accused the other of multiple instances of physical, sexual, and/or psychological/verbal abuse.

Now maybe you were focused solely on who you believed was guilty; but I was very interested in the process. I was both appalled and riveted as I listened to the various witnesses, heard the expert witnesses’ testimonies, and paid attention to Heard/Depp’s nonverbals/body language. But what kept running through my mind was 1 question.

Which factors affect how a person can get into and stay in a relationship that devolves into something so toxic?

Unfortunately, there isn’t enough time in the world to discuss all of the factors so instead I’m going to share with you one common factor that many people miss.

Confession time

If I could have lived at my local library part time as a kid I probably would have. I loved reading books and looked forward to any and every opportunity to get more of them. One book series that I never quite forgot about was called Fearless.

I’m not going to lie and say I remember everything about this book series, but I will tell you what stood out. It was all about a girl who could not feel fear. Now if you’ve ever been shy, reserved, or a combination of the two, a book like this would be emotional catnip! 😂 I would often imagine what it would be like to be completely fearless. What choices would I make? Which types of places would I go? Which kinds of risks would I take?

Now while I enjoyed reading this set of books, even as a child I can remember noticing one specific flaw or weakness in the main character, Gaia. This girl would jump into any and every situation headfirst! There was no risk assessment. There was no weighing the pros and cons before putting herself into a threatening situation. There was no red or yellow lights—just green lights. Her loved ones would often try to sound off warning bells, but Gaia was headstrong and…fearless. The minute something happened she wouldn’t stop to think—she would just act. Needless to say she often found herself in dangerous, life-threatening situations.

Fear, good?

Now maybe you’ve felt crippled by your own fear. Well one lesson this book series taught me was that fear has its benefits. It’s just like the people who are born with CIPA (congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis). People with this medical condition don’t feel pain or temperature, so they can get cut, bruised, or even stabbed and won’t notice it!

If you don’t feel the pain of an injury, you’re more likely to continue to do the thing that hurt you!

Feeling fear lets you know that something in your environment is threatening your sense of safety/security and motivates you to stay away or escape before it’s too late. So while being unable to feel pain or fear may seem great in theory the reality is the exact opposite.

Johnny versus Amber

A quick review of Heard and Depp’s history reveals at least one major similarity. Both of them were raised by at least one parent who was abusive. In Amber’s case she described, “My father was violent to my mother growing up…they loved each other but he was very violent to her until the end.” And her expert witness noted that Heard was abused by her father, who had violent outbursts which taught [or normalized for] Heard that “she could love someone who hurts her.”

Similarly, when describing his mother Depp described that, “She had the ability to be as cruel as anyone can be…she was quite violent and she was quite cruel.” He also described thinking his childhood was normal “until a certain age” and noted his mom using ashtrays, high heeled shoes, and even a telephone against him or his siblings.

To be clear, having an abusive parent does not condemn you to become an abuser yourself. There are plenty of amazing people out there who made a conscious decision from an early age that they would not repeat the mistakes that their parents made.

That being said, while your past does not have to be your destiny it does often inform your future. I suspect that if you have experienced childhood abuse (that has not been processed) you may later develop an inability to properly gauge situations or people that are dangerous to YOU. In essence, like Gaia, you lack the fear gene (or maybe you should call it an abuse/toxic detector gene) which would help you to adequately determine whether the person you are interacting with is actually good for you.

How you get stuck in toxic relationships

Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you were tricked into getting with your abusive/toxic partner. Hate to break it to you but it is also very likely that you missed (or maybe even dismissed) warning signs because you didn’t know what to look for. If this is you then you may struggle in various ways. You may:

• Not know what lovebombing looks like

• Struggle to distinguish between a partner being interested versus a partner trying to control your life

• Mix up emotional lability (i.e., rapid, extreme or exaggerated shifts in mood) with moodiness

• Continue to date people who are unhealthy for you

• Find yourself repeating the mistakes of the past

• Not know how to recognize signs of a toxic/abusive person or personality