It’s here! The final post in my “Why you struggle to say no” series.

If you haven’t already, check out the first, second, and third posts here.

I already discussed several factors that keep you saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no.’ They include: 1) people pleasing/core beliefs, 2) operating from your trauma, and 3) poor emotional boundaries. The fourth factor is one that you may relate with. Let’s dive in…

I don’t care what your race, age, gender, or ethnicity is. You, yes you, were raised in a particular culture. Now I know what you may be thinking. ‘I thought culture is something you find in people born or raised in a place different than mine?’ The reality is you have a culture—even if you were born and raised in America—even if you don’t recognize it.

It’s kind of like when I was a kid and heard someone refer to the “American accent.” My first thought was, ‘Americans have accents’????

I thought we spoke “normally” and everybody else who spoke differently had accents! 😂 What my kid brain couldn’t understand is that because I was born in America, and speak with an American accent, it was the norm to me. No matter what language you speak you will never be able to hear your own accent. Why? Because to you, the way you speak is the norm. Oftentimes it’s the same for culture…and even religion.

Culture

Culture is basically those traditions, customs, norms of a given set/group of people. Maybe you were raised in a family-oriented culture where you learned to put others first. Or maybe you were born in an individualistic culture and learned to put yourself first. Maybe in your culture it’s common to move out when you turn 18. Or maybe in your culture you grew up with multiple generations of family members living in the same house. Different cultures value different things. Similarly, you may have been raised in a different religious household.

Religion

While there may be various definitions of religion out there, what I’m referring to is a specific set of beliefs organized around faith, worship, a higher power (or higher powers) and discussions about what is sacred to specific families or communities. This can include various religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Jehovah’s Witness, Mormonism, etc.

Two factors that can make it difficult for you to say ‘no’ is being raised with certain cultural/religious norms or values.

As an example, if you were raised in a collectivistic culture, then you know that there is a special emphasis placed on the family and group as a whole. You may be used to making tons of personal sacrifices for the greater good. For example in Caribbean culture, women (especially wives/mothers) will often neglect their own needs to take care of their families. In addition, sometimes this behavior isn’t just something you were taught—it’s something you were modeled. If you grew up watching your parents constantly stay yes to every request then you may find yourself engaging in the same behavior.

Similarly, if you were taught that it is good to be accommodating (and wrong, anti-family, or “sinful” to do otherwise), you may struggle even more to say ‘no’. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, ‘But how do I know if this is me?’

Check out these examples and see how easy you would find it to say ‘no’ to these requests:

• Your parents text to say they’re coming over for a week to stay at your place.

• A friend drops by with her son (on your day off) so you can babysit him while she runs a few errands.

• A church member volunteers you to use your pickup truck to help someone move.

• Your friend assumes you can be their ride to work since you have a car and they don’t.

• An elderly person leans forward so you (or your child) can give them a kiss on the cheek.

• Your parents assume that when your younger sibling needs to be loaned some money you will give it to them.

• Your religious leader asks you to donate $500 to the church fundraiser given that you make significantly more money than the average church goer.

• Your family expects you to donate to the fund to help other family members emigrate to the U.S.

If you found it easy to say no to each of these requests then congratulations…you’re a BOSS!