One Key Way to Know if You May Be Codependent
I know, I know. You’ve got a LOT on your plate. No matter how many responsibilities you do or don’t have—you always feel tired and exhausted. If this sounds like you, then chances are there’s one mistake that you have made, and keep making that is keeping you stuck.
What is codependency?
According to Psychology Today, codependency is, “a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” In other words, if you struggle with codependency you will often find (or even put) yourself in situations where you will have to take care of others or fix their problems for them. Could this be you?
Quiz yourself on the questions below and mark down how often you answered ‘yes’ to see if you may have been bitten by the codependency bug:
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Do you constantly find yourself wanting or needing to be the “hero” in someone else’s story?
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Do you neglect yourself often and fail to regularly engage in self-care?
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Do you assume that if your loved one is upset then you must have done something wrong?
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Do you often say ‘yes’ when in reality you’d prefer to say ‘no’?
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Do you gravitate to people who are projects?
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Do you struggle to set or maintain boundaries?
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Do you become whoever or whatever other people expect you to be?
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Do you often cross other people’s boundaries in an attempt to help them?
Count up how many of these questions you said ‘yes’ to and then read on to learn your score…
I hate to break it to you but even if you only answered ‘yes’ to one question, that is one 👏🏽 too 👏🏽 many 👏🏽 !!!
Yep, I said it…
You have the codependency bug. Now whether your case is mild, moderate or severe, you need to ask yourself an important question.
How do I break the pattern?
Have you ever heard the expression, “not my circus, not my monkeys?” The first time I heard this expression I actually visualized a circus. I imagined a ringmaster (or leader) in a circus, leading the animals—elephants, tigers, monkeys, and lions—around the ring, teaching them tricks, feeding them, or fixing issues that affected their performance.
A quick google search revealed that this expression comes from the Polish proverb, ’Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy. A more basic meaning of this expression is ‘none of my business’ or ‘I mind my own business’.
When you exhibit codependent behavior you are acting like the ringmaster…the only problem being that you were NEVER the leader!
Part of the reason why you find yourself chronically tired, overwhelmed, and resentful is because you stepped into a role that did NOT belong to you. 😳
Read that sentence as many times as you need to until it sticks…
If you want to start feeling differently you’re going to have to stop taking ownership of issues/problems that were never yours to begin with.
Remember,
It is not your job to fix other people’s problems.
It is not your job to fit into the itty bitty box that your partner, parent, friend, created for you.
It is not your job to fix someone making a mess of their life.
It is not your job to cater to everyone else’s needs.
It is not your job to meet their needs at the expense of meeting your own needs.
It is not your job to dismiss your own boundaries to make them feel comfortable.
It is not your job to make someone into the perfect partner (while ‘Build-a-bear’ may be a thing, build-a-man or build-a-woman is not.)
In addition, contrary to what some may have you believe, a good life and a busy life are not one and the same. Your worth and value as a person or partner has absolutely zero, ZERO to do with what you do, produce or accomplish.
You have inherent worth and value that nobody (not even a failed relationship) can take away from you.
Oftentimes, if you struggle with codependency what you consider to be helping, helping, and helping behavior is often you enabling, enabling, and enabling. And remember, the more you enable them the more, a) they will become reliant on you and b) you will lose yourself in the process. Until you break those pesky behavioral patterns you will find yourself lugging along a bunch of baggage that does NOT belong to you. This is your wakeup call to start recognizing which situations are yours to address and which situations deserve a hearty, “not my circus, not my monkeys’ today.