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At various points in my life I can remember feeling like a failure or thinking that I had nothing truly good or unique to offer in comparison to others. Can you relate? The reality is that you are living in a time and society where everyone around you wants to be out doing “big things” (or wants to be “seen” doing big things). You want to be “successful.” You sure as heck don’t want to be a “failure.” You constantly compare yourselfves to others to try to ensure we measure up.
While I’d love to say I’m completely immune to this, that would be a lie. I know what it’s like to be bitten by the comparison mosquito. It sucks (pun intended)!
You find yourself constantly taking mental notes of the people around you and the way in which you don’t measure up.
“I’m not as talented as her.”
“I wish I had better social skills like him.”
“If I were more interesting, I’d have more friends.”
“I’ll never be as good a communicator as he is.”
“If I were a good salesman I’d move more products.”
“If I weren’t so abnormal maybe I’d be in a relationship.”
“If only I’d earned my degree I could make more money.”
“He has more followers than me because he’s smarter than me.”
“She’s obviously a better __________ than me and that’s why she’s so successful.”
Now to be clear, it’s perfectly natural for you to compare yourself to others; however, I’d argue it’s unhelpful and unhealthy to do so. Wanting to better yourself (in one way or another) isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, it can become a bad thing when you spend too much time focused on what others have (skills, abilities, characteristics, etc.) but don’t do the work to learn or recognize what you have and bring to the table. Instead, you spend an inordinate amount of time comparing and recognizing just how much you have failed to measure up.
Striving is normal
Part of being human is growing, maturing and evolving. If you’re reading this blog then chances are you are constantly striving to better yourself and to do more, accomplish more, and achieve more goals. You enjoy watching progress from one level to the next. You get excited when you watch a child crawl and then walk and then run. You remember when you obtained your first job, graduated with a diploma/GED or walked across a commencement stage. You still remember how you felt when you purchased a car or home. You enjoy and want to be able to say (or prove) that you’ve done something, accomplished something, or become greater than you were before.
In general, it’s often easy for you to see the progress that other people have made or to acknowledge other’s strengths/unique skills. But if I asked you about your own unique skills/abilities, you would more easily focus on and recall the negative. “You want a list of my weaknesses? Sure! Give me a minute and I’ll write them ALL down for you. But a list of my strengths???!”
Why is that?
Oversight
In some cases this is because you have failed to appreciate your own successes or the abilities that set you apart from everyone else.
Maybe your parents weren’t the type to reinforce or compliment you on your strengths. So if you don’t hear it from them, you assume it must not be present. Maybe you were raised in a culture that values modesty and family or group-focused success as opposed to individualistic success. Accordingly, you may try your best to avoid being prideful and focus on the collective versus your individual happiness. Maybe you struggle with self-doubt/self-esteem issues and find it hard to believe that you actually have something good to offer.
In the case that this is an oversight on your part; and with a little work, you can learn to identify and recognize your strengths/weaknesses and put measures in place to amplify or compensate for them, respectively. But what if you honest to God cannot believe or conceive that you have anything to offer? This is where your psychological blindspot comes in. Read on for what this is and how you can start to see your strengths today.
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I love love love the Curtis example. Thanks so much for sharing!! I needed to read this post! It can be so easy to fall into the comparison trap and not notice what you yourself have to offer. Definitely will be working on this!! 🙌🏾
So glad to hear that this example spoke to you! That comparison trap can be a killer. 😩 Time to focus on what we bring to the table.