Kill It Now! How Emotional Reasoning Keeps You From Enjoying Life

One of the most common distortions I see in people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and even imposter syndrome is emotional reasoning. A cognitive distortion is a thinking error that you and I make that keeps us stuck, unhappy, and unfruitful.

So in this series, I’m going to present a weekly blog post covering a common thinking error. This will help you not only identify the cognitive distortions that you’re guilty of, but also help you figure out how to tackle and dismantle them one by one.

Let’s start with one of the ones I see most often in therapy and that I have even been guilty of myself…

The Imposter

“I feel like a failure.” Those were the first words she said to me during a particularly stressful week at her new job. It was her dream job! Full-time, great benefits, and an even greater salary! Yet she was crippled with anxiety.

She felt sure that one day, she would make some big mistake at work and then everyone would know that she was an imposter.

Here’s the problem: all evidence pointed to the contrary.

• She aced her classes
• Did well clinically
• Got high marks in and outside of the classroom
• Won multiple awards and overall had a great track record.

So why did all this truth suddenly feel like a lie to her? Because she just didn’t feel successful.

Real vs. Fake

Most of us hate being lied to, but we don’t always realize that our “feelings” can lie to us too.

Emotional reasoning is when you make a feeling a fact that governs and dictates the way you think, the way you live your life, and the way you make decisions.

Now, before I discuss the “fake” emotions, let’s start with identifying the real ones.

Most of us hate being lied to, but we don’t always realize that our "feelings" can lie to us too. Emotional reasoning is when you make a feeling a fact. Share on X

Real vs. Fake

There are six core emotions: happy, sad, angry, disgust, fear, and surprise.

So when you say, “I feel scared,” or “I feel angry,” this is a genuine emotion that you are feeling. But with emotional reasoning, you end up making something you “feel” to be true the reality (or fact) for you. This then affects the way you think and behave. What are some examples of “emotional reasoning feeling”:

• I feel worthless.
• I feel fat.
• I feel like I’ll never get into a relationship.
• I feel like my life, job, marriage, etc., will always be this way.

Now you may have read this and thought, “I know technically speaking ‘fat’ isn’r a feeling, but ‘worthless,’ and ‘inadequate’ aren’t either???”

No! Certain words that we throw around, like ‘worthless’ and ‘inadequate’, are not actual feelings; they’re a state of mind. Emotional reasoning involves conclusions, judgments, and predictions dressed up as feelings. And once they feel true, we start acting like they are true.

Certain words that we throw around, like 'worthless' and 'inadequate', are not actual feelings; they're a state of mind. Share on X

How To Distinguish The Two

With genuine emotions, you describe a current feeling you’re experiencing, usually in response to a recent event/situation. Genuine emotions/feelings are transitory, meaning they can change.

Emotional reasoning involves conclusions, judgments, and predictions dressed up as feelings. And once they feel true, we start acting like they are true. Share on X

In emotional reasoning, you’ve made a faulty belief a fact; it becomes your reality. So in many cases, that faulty belief is a permanent one that rarely changes even in the face of evidence to the contrary!

With genuine emotions, you describe a current feeling you're experiencing. But in emotional reasoning, you've made a faulty belief your permanent reality. Share on X

Here is what this would look like:

• I feel worthless, therefore, I must be worthless.
• I feel like a failure, therefore, I must be incapable of success.
• I feel stupid, therefore, I must be dumb.
• I feel fat, therefore, I must be unattractive.
• I feel like I’ll never get into a relationship, therefore, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
• I feel like my life, job, marriage, etc., will always be this way, therefore, it will always be this way.
• I feel inadequate; therefore, I must not be good enough.

And then you carry the latter messages into every single new situation or relationship you enter sabotaging your chance for success…

The Fix

So how do you kick emotional reasoning to the curb once and for all?

First, QUESTION: Learn to question your thoughts rather than treating them like instant facts.

Just because your mind says you’re dumb, ugly, a failure, not good enough, inadequate, worthless, or any other negative trait does not make it true.

Take the time to reflect and ask yourself, “Where did I first learn that?” A parent, friend, romantic partner, teacher, etc.?

Then remind yourself,

“Their judgment isn’t my destiny.”

• Just because they said you’d never amount to anything does not make them right.
• Just because they said you’d never find someone to love you like they do does not make it true.
• Just because they said that you’re ugly and worthless does not make it true.

Yes, their words hurt. And yes, it can be very hard to believe the contrary when your own flesh and blood hammered it into your head over and over again!

But that’s why it’s so important to go to therapy to do the work of deprogramming yourself from all of the harmful messages you received growing up. Only then can you be happy and free.

Second, REFLECT: When you start to “feel” something, ask yourself, “Is this a genuine emotion or is this emotional reasoning?”

Pay attention to your words. A HUGE red flag is anytime you hear yourself saying, “I feel like” or “I feel” followed by a non-feeling word. (Sample non-feeling words: fat, ugly, worthless, not good enough, like a failure, stupid, etc.).

Catch yourself and say out loud,

“Nope! That’s not a real feeling. That’s emotional reasoning. I refuse to make that fake feeling my reality.”

Third, CHANGE: Revise the narrative.

In other words, learn that no matter what trauma or dysfunctional crap you’ve gone through, only YOU get to define and create your destiny.

• Stop saying, “I’m always going to be alone.” (P.S. The “I feel like” is implied in this example!)
• Start saying, “I’m going to learn to enjoy my own company until I meet the right person for me.

• Stop saying, “I feel like a failure.”
• Start saying, “Just because I’ve had setbacks doesn’t mean I am not or can’t still be successful.”

• Stop saying, “I’m not good enough and I’ll never be good enough.”
• Start saying, “My worth isn’t dependent on their approval. I am, have been, and will always be good enough.”

If you do this regularly, you will gradually kill the emotional reasoning that keeps you stuck and stops you from living your best life now! Read the next one in this series here.

What are some of the emotional reasoning statements that have kept you stuck? Which strategy will help you to quickly kick it to the curb?